I'm sorry. I'm always wrong and I mess everything up.
It's all my fault that the kids won't sleep at night. Has nothing to do with laxity of our Spring Break schedule. Day Light Savings? No way. Y'all sleeping in? Heavens no. It's my snuggling too much at night. I should be more like you: efficient. Stories, prayers, smooches, outta there. Twenty minutes tops then on to more important stuff. Right?
I think I wanna quit my job. If we start getting rent checks, that should be fine. I make nothing anyway. Like $600/month.
Feel pathetic and useless.
Hopeless and helpless.
And I'm writing this damn stupid paper on how attitude is all we can control and how parents will enjoy parenting if they simply choose to enjoy parenting.
Stupid hypocrite.
And I know I should just accept your apology and cozy on up to you and let things slide ... but I'm tired too, stressed out. The culmination of 15 years of half-(drat,Crichton reads my blog more than anyone in the world .. what's another expression for "not giving it your best effort that doesn't include profanity??)donkeyed effort, probably the first truly significant life goal is 9 days and 5 assignments away. And I feel overwhelmed.
HEY - I just got some really brilliant advice about what to do when feeling overwhelmed ...
I prayed. I didn't get a big shining answer, just a simple 'do it'. So I started.
I'm gonna work on my paper now.
I'm sorry we fought last night. You say "no more babies" ... I love you and I'm sorry it's hard to put the kids to bed, but I'm still probably gonna snuggle them too much and probably fall asleep next to them regularly. After I finish this stupid degree thing, though. And you'll probably have to wake me up if you want me to watch Office or Stargate with you. But, baby, I don't have a lot of happy childhood memories, ok? And maybe I'm trying to make up for that a little. When my grandmother was alive, I'd crawl in bed with her and she'd always snuggle me. After she died, when I was far too old for such things, I remember crying and begging for some comfort at night and being turned away, yelled at, crying myself to sleep, telling myself no one loved me.
Maybe I overcompensate. Maybe I had to go through that so I could be sensitive to these little spirits and give them more love when they need it so they can be super strong people because they never doubt that mom loves them no matter what. I can't imagine how nice it would be to have that knowledge, securely tucked safe inside, that someone out there loves you always, no matter what.
I wish I could talk to you like this when we are fighting ... or even the morning after. But the truth is, I can't talk like this at all. And I'm sorry I like to blog. I'm sorry. I do everything wrong for you.
On the bright side, after I hit publish, I think I have purged enough negativity that I can write my stupid papers.
3 Brilliant Bits of Inspiration:
You are a great mother!!
One of the things Dave always commented on was what a great mother he thought you were. I remember watching you with the boys when we were all camping- yeah, I wish I could be that nice a mom. There's more to life than just crossing the t's and dotting the i's. In our family I was the serious parent, and Dave was the affectionate, goofy one. Kids need balance. :-) Kids thrive with balance. (((Hugs))) Keep reminding me how to be a little goofy- we could use that balance in our lives.
I totally could have written this post. I've felt the exact same things (well, with different particulars). Isn't it strange how your relationship with your mother continues to affect everything? Is everyone like that?
I've found that I try to do everything the opposite way my mom did it. I still screw up but at least I'm not making her mistakes.
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