A blog is like a tiny giant megaphone. People pay attention, if they want to (and being paid attention is second only to being paid actual money).I started my blog about a million years ago for a billion reasons, mostly selfish and attention-whore related. But often I was trying to say something important .. or trying to figure out what was important.
Something I talk about are my feelings for my mother. Now, you can't make yourself feel something that's not there, but you can behave in a decent and civil way. My husband would disagree, but, as I avoid being in the same room, avoid conversing ... I'm trying to be civil. Otherwise, all I wanna do is criticize her and shake my fist at God (He's such a jerk) for His methods of taking and leaving people. Not sure it's really up to Him, anyway. And my vision of God is shifting.
Last night, after we got the kids to bed, my mother was playing a nearly mindless video game on the downstairs TV so we were procuring snacks to eat while watching super cute Joshua Jackson on the upstairs TV.
She was crying.
I was perplexed.
"Are you crying?" I asked incredulously.
She sniffed in confirmation.
I didn't know what to do about it. I should care, I should be concerned, but I'm a jerk and I was irritated.
"What's the matter?" My much-better-human-being-than-I husband asked, carefully.
"I'm just lonely."
My eyes rolled involuntarily. How dare she have complex feelings and stuff. My family provides for all her basic needs. She needs more? She wants attention and affection, too?
"What are you going to do about it," My solution-oriented husband asked.
"It'll pass," she says.
So nothing, I think to myself. Effective.
But dagnabit ... it's bothering me and I don't know what to do.
She does nothing. Well, video games and light housework. Occasional child care. She never really leaves the house, except to get the mail; never goes out with friends, I'm not sure she knows anyone outside of our family. If we ask her if she's looked into hobbies or interests, she has excuses for why it's impossible, or doesn't exist here.
To me, it seems she is wasting life. I have so many things I wanna do ... I am pulled a dozen ways constantly. I never think to myself, "I am bored."
Part of me wants to help her; part of me says if she won't do it for herself, she doesn't deserve it. She's always made people do everything for her. She still is.
Tell me, what should I do?
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I have no advice, just my deepest sympathy. We've shared our home for brief periods of time (6-7 months) with friends in need and it's never ideal under the best of circumstances. I can't imagine the strain it would put on an already strained relationship, especially for an indefinite amount of time.
You and your hubby need to book a cruise just the two of you. Make your mom babysit.
Could you give her more to do? Maybe fake a nervous breakdown which would force her to "come to your rescue" and make her feel good about her self and needed. Meanwhile you could enjoy long bubble baths, "rest" in your room with the door locked for hours at a time, spend hours at the gym claiming that it's all "Doctor's orders."
A good therapist will always tell you that you have the answer to your own questions. Unluckily for you, I am not a good therapist, so I will ask..
Is the plan for her to live with you forever?
If not, what needs to happen for her to move?
Because to me, it's clear that she has got to go.
You can't keep sacrificing your space, your money, your mental health to give her a safe little nest to land in.
Would she do the same for you?
Is what you are doing even really good for her long term?
My opinion (and it's most likely worthless) is that you aren't truly helping her and you are killing yourself slowly. Like those parents who give a home to their drug addict kids, and buy their drugs so they won't have to go out on the street.
I hope you figure out what you want or need to do.
I just sympathize. I thought of a million different things to write, but everything seemed so cliched. I hate wondering if I am a bad person because I am not being more giving when I feel completely drained.
It's amazing what can come of little trips outside the home. Sounds to me like she needs a regular place to go that's her time outside the home. You know, like you and greg go to work and meet people, friends or not.
Think about all the old farts that hang out each morning in a dirty old coffee shop. They get bad coffee and smell but it's their "place" to meet n greet.
Maybe you could drop her off at jimmy johns or something.
I'm sorry. I can totally see where you are coming from. I don't know much about her or her life but if she's having to live off of you guys- well, she's probably not made all the best decisions in life.
It sounds like she is depressed to me- and she should be. It is depressing to be a weight around the ankles of others.
Thing is, even depressed people can do what they have to do (even if they can't do more). I have two very seriously mentally ill friends. One, is on disability and has steadily declined. The other, who I believe is sicker, has continued to work and support herself because she had to. Her life is still very hard but she does what she has to do and is more functional because of it.
I guess my point is that her current situation will only continue to deteriorate and yours along with it. If you don't have an exit strategy for her, it's time to start thinking of one. I HOPE, for the sake of your own family, you can find one.
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