I got several encouraging and thoughtful comments. And an anonymous one:
As I read your comments on church, it sounds like your are searching for something to hold on to. You have to ask yourself, if you ask questions that you know will stir things up a bit and make it more 'interesting' what are you really trying to do? Are you seeking answers or information? Or, are you attempting to play devil's advocate? If you play that role for very long, it is a role that is easy to become.There is something about an anonymous comment that riles me up a little. You think you are right, but that the Truth will offend me. If you think you are speaking the truth, why not sign your name to your testimony?
My suggestion would be to start searching for the reality of who Christ is and develop a personal relationship with him, one that will be something for you to hold on to. When He becomes real to you, you will know it, and you will never doubt who he is. You will never have to ask yourself, "Why do I go to church" again. Because you will know.
Anonymous: did you ever stop to think I am not blogging to entertain you/y'all? I am not "playing" any role at all, but actually thinking and questioning and pondering, however publicly? Ever think that it's not Jesus Christ I have a problem with, but my beloved LDS Church? Why is it you assume Jesus isn't real to me just because I don't feel fellowshipped in RS? (To be fair, it's getting better all the time, as I put myself out there and try to get to know people.)
Anonymous, I know you're trying to spurn me towards developing a stronger faith in Christ, but what I hear is that if only I were as faithful as YOU, I would love church as much as you seem to.
I feel anchored by my faith in Jesus Christ, the atonement, the gospel. I assure you, I HAVE spent a significant amount of time praying and studying Him and He is very real to me. It is more that my interpretation of the gospel sometimes seems in opposition to the "church's official stand" and causes my conflicted feelings. And I am baffled by how my fellow members seem so uneffected, so unmoved by the gospel; I hear the testimonies each month, but we are so shy to say the same things to less active or non-member associates.
I appreciate your comments (I wish you felt safe enough to put your name to them). Truly, it's not so much the Jesus Christ is not real to me. I feel like we tend to pass judgment on our smoking, drunk, coffee drinking, swearing, immodestly dressed, tattooed, caught in sin brothers and sisters and use that as an excuse to be "in the world, but not of the world" and pretend they don't exist. If our neighbor doesn't go to church much, we don't bother getting to know their names.
If the Church is true, why are we afraid? Why do we avoid discussing it respectfully with people who may disagree?
I accuse myself here, above anyone else. But I want to be better.
5 Brilliant Bits of Inspiration:
Do you listen to Mormon Stories, the podcast? It's really good. I recommend the episodes about "why people leave the LDS church," "how to stay in the LDS church," and the interviews with Julie from Feminist Mormon Housewives. Very interesting and might give you some good food for thought.
I'm probably the only non-Mormon listening to the podcast. =)
What frustrates me is the lip service that most of our culture pays to honest studying and searching for truth. It seems we're all about that on the surface. But very few members seem to be comfortable with the idea of thoroughly exploring their faith for the purpose of discovering truth, not just validation. We shouldn't say this if we don't expect people to give equal time to the negative stuff. It's all part of an honest evaluation.
If someone comes to a therapist and says they are struggling with depression the therapist will try to identify negative thought patterns and help that person to avoid them and replace them with positive ones. This provides an unquestionably positive result but is only concerned with the patient's emotional health not necessarily the truth.
I feel like this is also the church's approach to many things. Study, but only study the approved things and you are bound to have a positive experience. Question and challenge, and you will find what you are looking for; the problems and complications of our religion.
This makes it seem like it is totally up to you whether or not you have a positive experience with the church. It also makes it all your fault if you have any problems. You brought it on yourself now didn't you by meddling with those challenging ideas.
What you never get with this approach is a true perspective. You don't see both arguments in their complexity. For a seeker of truth this is the position that they should be making their decisions from.
Being honest with your concerns IS healthy if you are focused on getting closer to the truth. However the truth is not concerned about your emotional health, it just is what it is.
Personally, I am happier juggling both perspectives at the same time.
You're not alone, in any of this.
And I have no respect for, and no patience with, anonymous commenters. You think what you have to say is worth hearing? Then step up and own it.
Very well put! I think small kids+church=exhausting. I tend to not plan on getting much out of it. Sometimes the only thing that gets me there is knowing I want my kids to know we are a church going family. That's all I need to know for now, but I think it will get easier...I hope...
At least this anonymous poster didn't call you a bigot...just a heathen. There now, isn't that better? ;o)
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