Post Secrets is one of my favorite blogs, I wait for it every Sunday and I love it. All things "Mormon" catch my eye, so as that word popped up in Post Secrets relating to a blog, I wanted to check it out, post haste.The secret said:
"I started a blog to talk about how I'm 'faking it' as a Mormon ... I haven't told my husband I joined for him."
Shameless self promotion? We bloggers don't really care why we have readers as long as people stop by.
It wasn't hard to find the blog, she included a little pic with enough info.
I often feel like I'm "faking it". I know the gospel is true and I believe in the prophets, ancient and modern. I believe in God and Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost. I believe a lot a lot of things. Church itself gets on my nerves rather consistently, but last Sunday was pretty nice. People sat by me in RS; makes a huge difference.
The Only True Church? I don't quite think about religion and Christianity in such strict, confining, black and white terms. I hate the "I'm right and y'all are wrong" attitude. You don't have to look hard to find a lot of good and true things in other Faiths. And Mormons have to accept that we haven't got all of "IT" yet either.
As I read thru the blog (there's only a dozen posts thus far), I notice her noticing and judging (kind of like I do). She doesn't have kids yet (and kids change everything), so she COULD be listening and concentrating. However, she complained about a couple nitpicking during a meeting when should have been paying attention. But she was watching them and thinking about their inappropriate behavior, rather than focusing on the lesson and contributing. She's not very enthusiastic about Relief Society, but says, "I don't know how I always get stuck doing stupid stuff for a group I try to avoid like the plague." You get stuck doing it because you said, "Okay."
I do this all the time ... criticize things without realizing that my noticing and thinking those impatient, judgmental thoughts means I'm a jerk.
I have my own issues with RS. Like how every week the welcomer stands up and sees no visitors and moves on ... I know less than 6 people by name. I'd love to have an opportunity to get to know people. Why not a weekly or monthly mass intro? I hate not knowing someone's name and I usually need to be reminded a few times before it sticks. My previous VT companion, I never knew who she was, could never get a hold of her, and she never contacted me.
And, those who know how whiny I was when they put my mom in as my VT companion ... I called a member of the RS presidency and asked it to be changed. I really did. You have no idea how amazing a breakthru that is for my passive-aggressive, non-confrontational, stupid self. It only took about a month of feeling crazy mad about it.
Anyway. So I didn't love the blog. I didn't love that she blogs anonymously. When you put your name to a thing, when you take credit for your thoughts and opinions, you are more likely to try to be responsible and fair. Or else people call you out on it. I think there is a time for anonymity, but I respect people more when they take credit/responsibility for their thoughts-made-public. I didn't really understand her complaint. If she doesn't think the LDS church is true, it shouldn't matter if it sucks or how others act. If she's just going along with it as a social convention, well, she's a willing passenger. It's complaining about your happily made choices; no one makes ya do it, chicka. My problem is I do think it's true, I have convictions about the gospel and sometimes they don't mesh with how members act and seem to think.
There's only one way to be fair. You can't say Relief Society is crap until you give it a fair chance. Like months of faithful attendance, having read the lesson and trying to contribute. I ought not complain about visiting teaching until I really commit to it and give it 100% shot. You can't criticize an aspect of the church, for example men holding the priesthood, unless you've taken the time to study, understand, and pray.
So says me, The Mysterious Mrs. Brandy Nichole Anderson Roth.
(I just like to do that so I can find myself on Google :)
14 Brilliant Bits of Inspiration:
The issues that come with struggling in the church can be very complicated. There are several reasons why someone might have difficulty making the final decision to leave. The social pressures involved cannot be underestimated.
What do you tell someone who loves church culture but just doesn't buy the whole story; Someone who feels that they avoided many pitfalls in life by relying on the wisdom that the church has to offer? Someone who's life has been touched by the good deeds of other ward members but just isn't convinced of the miraculous claims?
What do you tell someone who's entire network of family and friends are interwoven with the church? Friendships are established on common beliefs and opinions. Isn't the idea of losing that connection with one's closest friends scary or intimidating?
For those raised in the church they may not feel like rejecting it (without losing the respect of their parents) was ever an option presented to them. They may think that their family will never truly believe that they are a good person if they are not in good standing.
What about the pull to be honest with who you are? A blog is a way that a person could get things off of their chest. It could be therapeutic for those in limbo who are unsure of what role the church should play in the rest of their lives.
When you talked about being a jerk I wondered if my home teaching companion thinks I'm a jerk because I avoid teaching any subject manner that I don't really believe. To him it probably comes across as laziness. Avoiding members or callings is a sign of suspicion or lost confidence and may not necessarily mean she is a jerk.
I think that this woman just wants very badly to be allowed to honestly examine her beliefs without the threat of damaging her relationship with her husband.
I haven't read her blog yet, but I was interested in something you said in your own: "My problem is, I do think it's true." I have often said that a testimony can be a terribly inconvenient thing. Knowing that you know something - like Joseph Smith said as he compared his experience with that of Saul - often means taking a lot of heat and grappling with the details, any of which may require a great deal of patience as you work your way toward a firm belief in that particular principle.
I am a gospel doctrine and institute teacher. I've spent a lifetime studying the scriptures as I've prepared for my classes. And I can honestly say, I am most at peace with my membership in the church when I'm reading the scriptures, particularly the Book of Mormon.
Mormon culture is very difficult for me, and I've been a member of this church my entire life; I even grew up in Salt Lake, although I haven't lived in Utah for nearly 20 years.
The uncomfortable truth is, if you're in the church for the culture, or for your spouse, or for any reasons other than the doctrines, principles, and ordinances of the restored gospel, then chances are you will constantly struggle with these issues. (I mean the universal "you", not YOU personally!) It is in the doctrines where those features of this faith that make it true are distinguished from all others. It certainly is NOT the programs of the church. They never were intended to be the focus of our faith, and they do not, by themselves, produce the faith necessary to find peace in church membership.
(Hi, by the way. I've never been here before. Nice to meet you.)
Chris has some good points (I am not LDS).
Sounds like a big part of that woman's problem (and now her husband's problem), is that she "converted" for him. For some people, their religion (or whatever they call it) isn't a big deal, or they are willing to pretend it isn't and "convert" for the sake of a relationship.
Everyone is better off (at least in this life) if they find someone BASED on having the same (or at least compatible) religious beliefs and practices. It may not seem like a big deal when you are dating and you find the other person attractive and fun. But it becomes a bigger deal when you are sharing a life... sharing a home, finances, kids, etc.
It is a fraud to agree to marriage on certain terms and then renig on that. It would be a little different if she truly had some sort of change or awakening after they got married and discovered she was really drawn to say, Roman Catholicism (and no, I'm not a Catholic, either). But she married under false pretenses.
I am a devout follower of Mrs. B Roth and Post Secret. I'm surprised Frank, of Post Secret, "fell for it". She has like 500 followers and only 12 posts! You know what they say: easy come, easy go.
I really enjoyed your comment DeNae. So what is your advice for that person who has found themselves interwoven in the church for the wrong reasons and is unhappy? Should they leave?
I struggle with the idea of making my mind up that I am going to end up in a certain place and then work my way towards understanding why I made that choice. It feels like a dishonest investigation.
I don't think it's a good idea to have any relationship founded entirely on a common faith-based belief. Is it wrong to change your opinion about something like that after a relationship is established? Was this woman lying when she made a commitment to marry a religious man or was she hoping that she would also change over time? We don't know what her motives were.
The unfortunate thing is that if she was a good person before she married him she is still a good person now. It is unfortunate that a true believer cannot grant more flexibility to people in this situation because they are so certain that they are right. Why is it so important to be right? Shouldn't importance be placed on being happy? Why does god prefer people to be divided on a belief? You can't really measure if you are right or wrong until you are dead but right now we can have a discussion about principles that provide happiness.Principles that can be tested and proven reliable.
Most people who are familiar with the church know that the basic principles are absolutely good. They are also shared by most other religions.
So what is really so fundamentally different about this woman because she has changed her religious opinions?
I think it goes back to what DeNae said (which I totally loved), it all comes down to, Have you and are you reading the Book of Mormon? The church is based off of the scriptures..not the culture and other things involved that sometimes "throw" people. Reading the scriptures and praying about their validity is the only way to gain a true testimony of the gospel. Once that is received, it's up to you what you do with it..whether you chose to build off of that answer that you received or ignore the truth because of the "culture" or people that the church is made up of. I'd be very interested to know if the girl "faking it" has ever followed Moroni's promise and read the scriptures and prayed asking to know if they are true.
Again if a person is a member of the church for "the culture" or as we have agreed the "wrong reasons" should they stay or go?
The dilemma comes in making sense of these people. How should we view them? Are they Jack Mormons, back-stabbers, double-faced? Are they our opponents? Do we really want them to stay if they don't share our rock hard convictions or should we give them the flexibility to accept things on their own terms? Do they have to know the church is true or is it okay if they just believe it is good, positive, and edifying.
The truth is that this woman we are discussing probably has almost all of her ethical opinions in common with her husband. It seems they only disagree on small issues like homosexuality (and the husband is putting his faith in the church's answer). Some people would say she was deceptive or dishonest but what really is the divide? If her husband leaves her it is because he would prefer being right over both his and her happiness.
My biggest frustration is intellectual honesty. Why do we have to claim to KNOW something is true when really we are just hoping or trusting that it is true? Knowing is not the appropriate word. Knowing (implying there is nothing left to learn on the subject) does not bring anything good into the world other than your personal comfort. But sometimes other people have to pay a terrible price so that you can be comfortable knowing god's purpose for you.
One issue no one's addressed here is the way our faith changes over time. I can see converting for your husband (I offered to do that for my husband) and then later delving further into deep doctrine (because it takes years to really get there) and finding that it just doesn't feel right to you. Ten years later I am so happy my husband counseled me not to convert and to keep exploring my faith. He was wise in that choice because I would have had major upheaval when I decided that I just couldn't live with LDS doctrine. I love the culture, the people, and relief society- but that's just the icing on the cake, it's not the sum of the faith.
Lots of interesting thoughts here.
I wanna say, I disagree with Sistahfriend about the church being based off the scriptures, specifically the BoM. I know TONS of people who have prayed sincerely and heard/felt nothing. In fact, it was only a few years back, when I was teaching my Primary about <a href ="http://scriptures.lds.org/en/mosiah/18>Alma baptizing in the waters of Mormon</a>. I was overwhelmed by a feeling that Alma's words were truly defining Christianity. While you might say, "HEY! SEE! That proves my point!" I have to say, there was a full decade of nothing that preceded that little insight.
I'd say the defining important factor in the faith of an LDS member is not the scriptures, the prophet, and certainly not the church. I think it is the knowledge that we are entitled to PERSONAL REVELATION coupled with the techniques necessary to receive and understand it (which the other things assist)
Thanks Denae (you're kinda famous y'know). Your comment was very wise - it takes work.
Ahh, Chris! You always bring such honesty and insight to my silly blog.
I really have no problem with people doubting and coming to church and even sharing those doubts. I would appreciate it if they don't share their difficulties with my children (my kids get enough doubtiness from me), but in adult classes, I truly don't understand why its not proper to discuss things. And while we, who like to think about stuff, may get tired of being told to read Moroni and pray ... there is a point where things have to be taken on faith or you get stuck. I'm currently stuck ... it's fine. I'm not doing the basics. I should change. I haven't. I don't blame the church or RS or my husband.
I don't care how strong or weak a person feels their testimony is. It's not my business and there isn't much I can do. It's between the person and God. What frustrates me is when people don't take responsibility for their lives. If a RS class can't handle a woman bringing up that genetic research shows no link to Central or South American natives and Jewish ancestry, well, shouldn't that be addressed??? I don't need proof that the Good Samaritan existed to understand the worth of the story ...
There have been times when I needed God and I prayed and felt peace and love. I want my kids to know they can access that. I want them to KNOW it. So, even tho church is time consuming and tedious, even tho I feel micromanaged by it sometimes, it is all my choice. I am free to go or not, to visit teach or not, to pay attention and participate or sit back and silently criticize. I feel the LDS church is the best at providing us with the knowledge of spiritual tools and how to use them.
One can attend any church on a superficial level as they try to be a good person. We can visit and serve and teach and help. It's a good thing to do. Helping plan an activity or taking a dinner to someone is nice. And if you don't wanna, don't do it. Church leadership maybe needs to recognize that not everyone attending is deeply religious. Based just on the Faker's blog, I would say she is certainly not deeply religious. In fact, by her own admission, she is selfish. Not that all of us aren't selfish, but there comes a point, maybe when you get married, but usually around the time you become a parent, that you put the majority of your selfishness aside and do what must be done for the greater good. I really didn't understand God and Christianity and Love and Faith until I was a mom and starting feeling the burden of knowing these little people were relying on me to know how to think. And the longer I live, the more tolerant I am of people and their weaknesses. We are all children.
It's a hard religion. But it offers so much more to individuals, in terms of opportunities for growth and progression, than any other Faith I know of. Some people are fine with a high school diploma while others struggle to get multiple doctorates. I firmly believe the Answers are available, but if one wants to know, one has to sacrifice and work for them.
Mrs. B, I agree with you (not about the famous thing; the other stuff) I came back to see how the discussion was progressing, and it looks like Chris reeeeally wants an answer!
For starters, Chris, I'm not entirely convinced that, upon realizing that one is unhappy with the current state of their religious life, the immediate question is one of "stay or go". I can't think of any circumstances besides those that pose a threat to safety where that is the only optional question to answer. I have been unhappy as a mother, as a wife, while in college, in friendships, with a job -- and long before addressing the "stay or go" question came other questions which required answers first.
May I suggest that, within the parameters of this discussion, some of those questions might be:
1) What do I expect from religion? Is it socialization with a group who hold common values? Is it a deeper understanding of the nature of God? Is it to better understand the purpose of life? Just what do I hope to gain from membership in ANY church?
2) Is there any part of the DOCTRINES of Mormonism that really feels right to me, and are those doctrines unique to Mormonism? For example, Latter-day Saints are fairly unique in the concept of three distinct beings within the Godhead. Is that something that resonates sufficiently that I'm willing to live with not knowing or understanding other doctrines and practices?
3) Is there anything about Mormon Doctrine that feels so wrong, I can not ignore it without a sense of having abandoned my integrity? I have a Catholic friend for whom the answer to this question (in her own faith) lies in the concept of original sin. She just can't accept it, and for her it has become the catalyst for the kind of crisis you're discussing: Stay or go. It's painful to watch her struggle.
4) Have I done all that I can to strengthen my own understanding of just what this church professes? And Mrs. B, this is where I agree with you: Personal revelation is such a critical component of this pursuit that, without it, nothing else matters. Have I made a prayerful study of the principles and ordinances of the gospel enough of a priority that I feel I have learned enough to make an educated, informed decision about my church membership?
5) And finally, was there ever a time when I felt that membership in the LDS faith was absolutely the right thing for me? Do I trust who I was then, where I was emotionally and spiritually? Or do I remember that time as one of desperation, or intense coersion from another party, etc.? Alma asks that, if you have once felt to "sing the song of redeeming love, can ye feel so now?" Often, we make a decision that leads to almost overwhelming responsibilities and challenges (marriage, career change, etc.) and without being able to trust that incarnation of ourselves who made that choice initially, we can be burdened with extra doubts when things get difficult.
So, that's my 2 cents' worth, Chris. I'm sure there are other things to consider, but I'm equally sure Mrs. B would like her blog back! Just make sure the decision to "stay or go" is more of a path than a flying leap. You don't want to regret the choice, particularly since "regretting the choice" is what started it all in the first place!
Mrs. B what a perfect response. I really connect with what you and Denae have written. Thank you.
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