I can sometimes hit a golf ball over a water hazard. I look at the flag, put my club next to the ball, wiggle my bum a little, breathe in, exhale, and start telling myself why I can hit this ball over the water:
1. I have given birth to THREE amazing children.
2. I fed those suckers for a year each from my own breasts.
3. I trained for and finished a 5K race in a decent and respectable amount of time.
4. I have an internationally read blog, Utah's Top blog, in fact, and I have 1,150+ posts to date.
5. I have, on occasion, beaten the best scrabble players I know. (This guy and this guy)
I can hit a stupid little ball up and over!
Sometimes.
Good psychology tells us that self esteem comes from DOING things; setting and achieving goals; accomplishing what we once thought was impossible. Mom and Dad can't simply tell the kid how good and smart and pretty she is and hope to produce a confident woman. That girl has to try things, and possibly fail, and try again so she can learn that she is, in fact, of worth.
Most of the time, I think I love myself. I've done stuff. I can DO stuff.
But there is a part of every person that wants and needs to be loved unconditionally. Ideally parents are able to fill this need, but not always, and probably never enough anyway.
One never feels more inadequate then the mother of young and vocal children.
Some people are able to feel that unconditional love from God. As a devout, albeit not good, Mormon, trying to feel love this way is both extremely effective and completely useless. Church has made me far more aware of the things I ought not do, lest I make Jesus cry, than made me feel loved for the perfection that is me, as a daughter of divinity. I never feel quite good enough at church.
Maybe God and I feel the same way ... I love my kids with all my heart. And it's never enough.
A spouse sometimes makes us feel unconditionally loved. And sometimes they can make us so acutely aware of every misstep we've ever made, of every flaw we have yet to overcome. Spouses forgive a lot, but there is so much gravity, goods and bads ... they know all the stories and patterns. They know how you get so excited about a new project and then never follow through ... they no longer share the excitement. There's no one who will love you as much as a beloved spouse, but one person can't be everything for you.
I think friends (and blog readers) provide bite sized morsels of the unconditional love we crave. Friends are not around us so much as to know how truly awful we are (like when we are PMSy, tired, hungry AND don't wanna cook because there are no clean dishes and there is a SOCK ON THE EFFING FLOOR FROM LAST FREAKING NIGHT WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DO ANYTHING AROUND HERE???!). Friends can be objective, tell us we are stupid, and love us anyway. There's is something very nice about having people who can simply love you. You can't mess up their bank account; you probably won't ruin the transmission on their car by putting it in drive while still reversing a little; you'd never yell at them to change a freaking diaper; it's not your fault if they have no clean underwear.
Sigh.
Friends are good. I vote "YES!" on friends!
Be my friend.
3 Brilliant Bits of Inspiration:
You said something amazingly profound when you stated, "One person can't be everything for you." It's true, one person can't fill all the need for companionship, love, and acceptance each of us craves.
Also, forget making Jesus cry! Keep up an ongoing dialect with God, the Father- and know you are loved :-) There's nothing in this world that can change that one fact. You are loved!
There's a world full of people excited to meet you and learn more about you. God surrounds us with the tools we need to live our lives, and friends are one of those tools.
Last but not least- I like you mostly unconditionally. I mean, don't come poo on my carpet or anything... but you can be and do pretty much whatever you want and I'll still be happy to have you as part of my family and one of my friends.
Sometimes I wonder why someone would want to kill themselves. There's so much stuff that I want to do and skills I want to fine tune and places I want to go. I always think if I was actually to the point that I wanted to commit suicide I would just leave everything behind and go do that stuff.
But you hit it on the head. We are social creatures that depend on our perceived level of value to other people. We can't exist happily in isolation. We go crazy.
If no one loves us its really not worth existing no matter what you do. There is no one to tell your story;No one to appreciate your accomplishments. You will come and go and no one will care or remember you.
When it feels like no one else cares it can be therapeutic to know that somewhere a fatherly god knows your potential and recognizes your worth. It's interesting that you pointed out that sometimes our church culture fails to communicate this fundamental aspect of faith.
Very insightful post. It gets me all thinking n stuff. :)
I'm your friend. I can't help but be the stalker kind. I visit everyday. And I LOVE it.
Thank you
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