And Once My Mother Microwaved My Kitty.

In about 1 minute in a microwave, a hot dog will cook, split, and start to explode a little.

My brother loved hot dogs. He was crazy about them and ate them for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks. He was often in such a hurry to eat the hot dogs, he would fail to shut the microwave door before he began chowing down.

(Hot dogs are high in fat, cholesterol, nitrates, and evil, and if I were you, I wouldn't let your children eat them very often.)

The light in our microwave was burnt out.

I'm more of a cat person.

Nathan and Samantha Allen gave me a polydactyl kitten. At the time, I was in a play called Rumors, by Neil Simon, and I named the cat Cassie, after my character. In that play, a horrible boy, named Greg Roth, played the part of my husband. He was SO annoying. I really hated that guy.

Cassie was a runt; small and sweet.

One cold night, my father told my mother to make him some tea, as he was feeling ill. My mother took a coffee mug, filled it with tap water, dropped in a tea pouch, put it in the microwave, and rotated the dial to cook for 2 minutes. The she stepped away from the microwave so she could watch TV as she waited.

About 1 minute later she realized something was pounding around in the microwave. Very strange behavior for a nice cup o' tea.

She screamed. I ran out of my bedroom where I was hiding from the insanity that was my home life doing my homework. My father ran in from the front room. My mother opened the microwave and my kitty kind of fell forward and out of the microwave.

She was steaming.

She couldn't meow, but she looked like she would really like to.

My father and I took her to the bathroom and doused her in cold water in the bathtub. She was limping and struggling and ... can you even imagine? Microwaved 'til your guts explode, then drown in cold water ... ... ... my father thought it would be best to put her out of her misery and took the cat out to the backyard with an axe. (An axe, how quaint.)

I, of course, cried. A few minutes later, he came back in with the kitten, head intact. The kitty had "looked" at him. So. We started a more careful examination of the poor creature. One foot pad had pretty much burnt off. There was a 90 degree kink in the tale. She couldn't walk forward. I snuggled Cassie all night, expecting to wake up with a dead cat.

But she didn't die.

We took her to the vet. He gave us an ointment for the foot and told us she would probably die with in the week.

She didn't.

She still wouldn't walk forwards. Or meow.

Eventually, I married Greg.

One day, he called me at work to tell me he found my cat dead by the garage. He wanted to know if he should bury her or wait for me.

Bury her.

It was about 10 years before I owned another cat.

They say you should forgive and forget ... how do you forgive and forget when someone microwaves your cat?

I have issues.

But feel free to buy these for me .. funny ironic joke thing ...