Self Inflicted Torture or Refinement?

As I think about this publicly, I have been repeatedly advised to go talk to the Bishop, to ask to be released. I can't do that. I'm not the person who does that. I suffer in silence (insert laugh track).

The complexity and duality of me: I LIKE my calling and I think I do it very well. I will continue to do it. It's not THAT bad. It's that the WHOLE church experience leaves me drained and empty. It's not a matter of not willing or able to do it ... it's a matter of I need more intellectual challenge from religion in general, church specifically. Am I asking too much?

"Are you still going to the temple every week?" someone asked.

No, when I started play rehearsals, I stopped. A mom can only take away so much time from the family. I felt, with the play, going to the temple, too, was too much. But, I went a ton this year, like 30 times, and I think I got a lot out of it.

What I want, maybe, is real life, face to face, adult group discussion. Deep discussion. Opposing philosophical debate, open mindedness, free from fear of consequence. How can we learn and grow when we don't analyze what we have.

One thing about our church, if your opinion falls on a side other that the prophet's ... you know your wrong. And you're bad. But, what luck ... I don't think we believe in a fiery hell. So, that's good.

Also, how do I know if the struggle I feel indicates I should ask to be released, or redouble my efforts?

Here's an email I was forwarded:

Malachi 3:3 says: He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God ..

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining Silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: ' He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.'

She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time..

The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, 'How do you know when the silver is fully refined?'

He smiled at her and answered, ' Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it.'

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire , remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

Pass this on right now. This very moment, someone needs to know that God is watching over them.

And, whatever they're going through, they'll be a better person in the end.

And here's a post about it I liked.

We do what we do because we must.