You sure you want to know??Here's the thing. I'm stuck. Freaking stuck.
Why does there ever have to be confrontation?
Why do I have to admit defeat?
Why can't anything ever just be easy?
The thing is, I made my quagmire. Sometimes ... it's just better to go with whatever happens and be done.
But no. I whined.
Last night ... more precisely, a few hours ago, husband and I were engaged in a lovely conversation about how I hate church and it's all my fault.
Yes, I'm sure it was much more robust and tactful, but, as far as I'm concerned, that's how it goes.
Hate is a strong word. Let's be more accurate:
When I think about going to church in 4 and a half hours I want to cry. I am anxious and fearful and doubtful and discouraged. Like a soldier on a suicide mission for a cause he's unsure of.
In my heart, I know that's not how it should be.
And, evidently, the onus rests on me.
Husband asked what I do to prepare myself for church and the Sabbath. I described my prayer content: help me be kind, loving, and patient with my class; help to to present my lesson in a manner pleasing to Thee. Husband determined, yes, indeed, it seemed God was granting my prayers exactly.
It's not enough. For me. For my soul. Sunbeams are Dementors, ha ha.
I don't have the intestinal fortitude to ask to be released. Released ... such a glorious word ... sweet release. Release me from all my callings, please.
To be released, I'd have to go to my beloved, sweet Primary President. I can't bear that she should see me as a failure.
I shouldn't feel this way about church; scared, discouraged, hopeless. Deficient.
I don't doubt the gospel of Jesus Christ. It's not an issue of faith. I'm tired of the pretense. Pretending I'm offended by words or body parts. Pretending to feel every forced emotion. To be moved, by the Spirit, to do good for my fellow man.
This song is stuck in my mind:
Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb
Hello.
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?
Come on, now.
I hear you're feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again.
Relax.
I need some information first.
Just the basic facts:
Can you show me where it hurts?
There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what you're saying.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I cant explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.
Ok.
Just a little pinprick. [ping]
There'll be no more --aaaaaahhhhh!
But you may feel a little sick.
Can you stand up?
I do believe its working. good.
That'll keep you going for the show.
Come on its time to go.
There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what you're saying.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.
What have I done wrong? I'm 31. I shouldn't feel so lost and little. Not with respect to God and Religion. I should be floating along. Others are good. My husband says he believes in God, has a confidence in God ... I'm still 50-50. Going with the whole, if it's not true, it doesn't matter, BUT, if it IS true, well wouldn't want to risk the opportunity to feel this way for time and all eternity.
On the fence.
Leaning.
Please ... don't make me go ... my brain screams, like a scared child, whose parent callously abandons them to be thoroughly indoctrinated. Husband, I'm sure, will be playing the part of callous parent. At least there's one part he's willing to role play.
Fine. I'll do my thing ... but, rest assured, it's just a mirage. I'm not really there.
(maybe I should take that What's Your Patronus quiz now)
(well, that was helpful.)
(I have play pictures, technology didn't want you to see them ... maybe you should pray for a miracle.)
12 Brilliant Bits of Inspiration:
Brandy,
I feel the same way most of the time. There is a line that Robin Williams quotes from Thoreau in Dead Poets Sociey..he says "Most men live lives of quiet desperation". Then he tells them "Dont be resigned to that". I am going to email you when I get home from church!! I know you will be waiting on the edge of your seat, so until then, hang in there, sister!
I am right there with you on my calling-CTR 5. I can't believe what a struggle it is every week to try to pretend I like my calling. Or even want to go to church.
I've been trying to go to the Temple once a week and then I have recently started to meditate or more likely, quiet my brain before and after I pray. It seems to be helping my spirit and I am hopeful! I hope the numbness will go away for you soon! I really do know how you feel!
You are doing good! It's called 'endure to the end' for a reason and it's not always going to be easy to believe or care.
Keep the faith, girl!
I understand. Usually I have lots to say, but not today. You are not the only one who feels lost in one way or another. And NO ONE should ever "float" when it comes to the church. There is not benefit to floating. (unless it's in a pool, then it's worth the relaxation)
Don't be afraid to ask your bishop for what you need. If you need to be released you don't 'have' to go to the primary pres. Your bishop can make the change without her. Do what you need to for your sanity and emotional well-being.
Okay, maybe I did have something to say.
Brandy,
I've felt stuck and frustrated before--not with the Sunbeams, but definitely with other things in the Church. It can be really rough sometimes. Hang in there, honey.
Tell the bishop how you feel. Maybe he can give you a new calling, or even just call another teacher to team-teach with you and help you wrestle the Sunbeams.
I don't want to talk to the bishop or anyone else ... what's the purpose of authority and revelation? I don't want a new calling ... I don't want to go to church. Significant.
Still love me?
Does He?
What you are experiencing is totally normal for any thinking, rational person. We are not meant to go along blindly. We're meant to struggle and work through it and learn because of it. My husband is inactive. It would be so easy for me to do the same thing.
And then I see how different our lives turned out because of church activity as teens. I learned a lot of important stuff there that my folks missed out on teaching me. Not even so much about religion but how to succeed and be happy in general. My hubs- he didn't learn any of that and went through a lot of junk and stupid choices as a result.
I'm not your typical Mormon either. Most people are not but some care more about how things appear than how they are (ie my husband's first wife, the 'Faux Mo' who says everything right in public but lives totally differently when no one is watching- adulterous Ho!)
You will simply have to find a balance that works for you. I hate that hubs won't go with us very often. Even if he doesn't believe it, he can learn a lot about himself and his relationship with God by going. I struggle with a number of points of doctrine. I won't share that because it's my struggle and I'm not out to influence anyone else with it.
In any case, like any other emotion, my desire for spiritual enrichment ebs and flows. That's where commitment comes in. Think about that. Maybe the challenge is, at least in part, to do what you think is right even when you don't feel like it in order to succeed long term. Just like losing weight!
I'm not Mormon, so I can't really relate to exactly what you are going through within your church, however, when I read your words, all I can think is that spirituality, no matter what religion a person practices, is supposed to make you feel comfort on a level that that can not be reached by anything physical. Bottom line, you should feel good about your practice, rituals and beliefs.
I know that you feel a strong responsibility to your faith, and that is a great thing, just please make sure that you are getting in return everything you need from it as well.
I know that I am not very well informed on the Mormon faith, so forgive me if I am misunderstanding the point here, I just believe that one should look forward to expressing their faith and that it should uplift you and make you feel stronger and happier. If it doesn't maybe its not the right faith for you.
Only you can make that decision. I hope you find the right path for YOU.
Maybe take a church vacation -- just like you would if you were going out of town for 2 weeks. They can find someone to fill in for you for 2 Sundays! Then stay home, sleep in, have a relaxing breakfast, if you want read scriptures together as a family or by yourself, or drive to the mountains to teach the kids that God is everywhere.
It may help recharge your batteries, reveal what you should do, or at least it will be a diverting 2 weeks break.
In addition, I would question why it's argued that feeling truly unhappy is spiritual sacrifice or somehow a benefit to others, you, or God? If you dislike every moment of something, is it really benefiting anyone or bringing you closer to God?
One could argue that the lesson is knowing yourself and what will or will not bring you peace and communion with the divine-- and having the courage to seek out what you need and say no to what just won't work for you.
God made you the way you are; why not embrace God by honoring your genuine, unique spiritual needs?
j4luck made a great comment. Why does religion, which is supposed to make us happy, often overlook our current suffering for promises of future happiness.
Buddhists would talk about your experience in terms of suffering. The regret you feel for decisions already made and the stress and fear you feel toward a totally uncertain future are forms of suffering.
Your faith is doing you a disservice if it has deceived you into thinking that the promise of future happiness can excuse choices that hurt you right now.
Listening to inspiring church sermons can be very edifying but attending church out of guilt and obligation is a waste of your time. Take control of your happiness.
I have my own rebellious opinions about Primary, most of them resembling the idea that Primary is the darkest part of hell. I served in Primary for nearly six years straight and holy cow, it was hard. Every time I get a new calling I pray and pray "don't let it be Primary." And then I feel guilty for feeling that way.
But the thing is: it's just HARD. You are serving those children, giving them their spiritual feeding, but at the same time, YOU are receiving any. Nothing is refilling YOU.
My own personal opinion is that every Primary class should have two teachers. And that the two teachers should rotate, teaching one sunday and going to adult meetings on the other one.
Of course, that's as likely to happen as school teachers in Utah getting a raise.
So...yeah. I guess I wasn't very comforting. Empathetic though. Hang in there!!!
The topic of teaching Primary made me think of my own experience. I never had a male teacher. So I wondered how common it is for men to be called these days? I did see on www.lds.org a letter from Feb. 23, 2006 outlining that a man assigned to Primary should always have someone else "help"-- either 2 men or a married couple. So, men get help --but out of concern they might be sex offenders! Maybe female members should organize and request all classrooms have 2 teachers-- to help the female teachers fairly and take some of the sting out of the policy for men?
I'm not LDS, and I try to give you feedback with the understanding that you ARE LDS and that's not going to change, because you have your faith and you have your family to keep together.
What you are describing happens in a lot of other churches as well. There is a difference between our our relationship with God and our church experience. Ideally, our church experience is PART of our relationship with God - a place where we can serve and be served. But there will be times when you feel it gets to be too much, or you want things to be difference.
As an "evangelical Protestant", I have many churches to choose from nearby. As long as I find them to be healthy, well-balanced, and Bible-teaching, I can then pick one based on their schedule, the worship style, etc. And that is pricisely what a lot of my friends have done... left one church for another.
But that does have drawbacks, too.
Having not been LDS, I'm afraid I can't give you too much advice, other than to not beat yourself up for having times when you wish things were different.
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