You've Got It All Wrong

People from church have been talking about me, saying things behind my back, to my husband. Some are so bold as to say things to my face. All kinds of nice crap about how good I am with those wacky Sunbeams. How patient I am. A saint (*she snorts*).

It's my calling: Sunbeams. Once a week, I am responsible for the religious instruction of 6-8 three-turning-four-year-olds.

My co-teacher has fribromyalgia and is often in so much pain, she can't make it. I'm cool with that; pain sucks. Church is 3 hours long on Sunday: 80 minutes of congregation all togetherness, 40 minutes of just the kids togetherness, and 40 minutes trapped in a small room with little people of debatable bladder control. If Co-teacher isn't up to it, the Primary Presidency usually digs up someone to watch me struggle to maintain a semblance of decorum help. I kind of like this set up because I'm in charge, I always get to do things my way, have my routine. Kids like routines. I don't mind at all (unless I need a sub).

A few weeks ago, I had a really hard Sunday - this was before I knew about my co-teacher's medical condition. It was her turn to teach the lesson (I am Thankful for Water), but she was in a lot of pain and had to go home after Sacrament Meeting, so I "got to" teach the class with NOTHING prepared. I tried to do the previous week's lesson (Easter Sunday) but without my props. I was a disastrous failure with witnesses: a member of the presidency, a former Sunbeam teacher, and one of the kids' parents. All there to witness my complete Sunbeam teacher suckfest. I couldn't keep the kids' attention for more than 60 seconds, then I'd spend 3 minutes trying to get kids out from under the table and chairs and stop punching or licking each other.

Alright, my friends, let's calm down, how about we sing a reverent song: I am a child of HEY! WE DON'T HIT OUR FRIENDS and He has sent me PLEASE SIT DOWN. Has given me DON'T PUT THAT IN YOUR MOUTH! With parents kind and STAY IN YOUR OWN CHAIR! Lead me, guide me, walk beside LEAVE TEACHER'S BAG ALONE! Help me find PLEASE DON'T TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF. Teach me all that I'M SORRY SHE HIT YOU, ARE YOU OK? Someday.

I cried that week. I was embarrassed that so many had seen me have no control over my class. I made the Primary President tell me I'm not a bad teacher. And she did. I remember my predecessor, Sister Willey ... she seemed to have things way more under control.

I suck.

I can't get those kids to stay in their seats.

BUT there is one thing that keeps me from resigning myself to utter failure. I have this trick: All I do is force myself to love them unconditionally for 2 hours once a week. Whatever they do, whether they sit and listen or not, whether they make themselves burp for 20 minutes straight, whether they tell me about how their shoe is bugging them 500 times, or if they can't stop kicking their neighbor, or giggling or sharing every last thought that pops into their head. I spend just 2 hours a week doing my best to treat those little munchkins like Jesus would. I am firm, but kind and I hold them and try to help them do what they should. Amazingly, there is not a moment when my temper comes up (not yet anyway). I'm not sure how it works; I wish I could get myself to do it at home, with my own kids and husband ... but somehow, there's a miracle of fish and loaves with my love and patience and there is plenty for the Sunbeam class.

There is really a bigger trick I am becoming aware of. You can do anything. You tell yourself you will run 5K or be kind for 2 hours or, as I often tell myself, you can do anything for a minute - then another and another. You set the limit and your mind and body accept that limit, but it's all up to you. I probably could treat everyone in my life with perfect kindness and patience, but I tell myself I'm going crazy. I could keep a perfectly clean house, but I tell myself it's boring and tedious and I don't want to do it. I'm starting to see how I do control my own happiness, my own energy level. It's too much to believe all at once, but I'm starting to think, it's all a matter of choice.

But, to get back on topic. I'm not a saintly Sunbeam teacher. Those kids are crazy and it takes everything I have to do my thing for those two hours of church. I work up a sweat, smile sweetly, hug, hold, encourage, and participate my butt off. But I had to make my husband drop out of ward choir because I couldn't handle fixing my own kids' lunch after church. It was too overwhelming. I set my limit and give all and have no more for a while. Pathetic. Mean. That's what you would say if you heard me with my own hungry children after church.

I'm working on the limit idea, on pushing the limit, on that age old positive thinking thing. I abandoned the idea that I go to church to be spiritually fed or uplifted or enlightened. It might happen, a moment when the children are singing, "God gave us families to help us become we He wants us to be," at the top of their lungs might catch my heart by surprise and bring a tear to my eye. But I'm not going to church for myself anymore. Not at all. I go to help my children establish a habit I think is very good for them and I am going to serve my brothers and sisters, my three-turning four year old brothers and sisters, right now. I'm getting the hang of it, little by little.

That's all.