Mrs. Roth, can you please explain again why you were holding your son hostage in a laundry basket?Do you ever find yourself doing something that makes you wonder if maybe you've crossed the line as a parent?
Crichton is an intense kid. He's focused. He is very sensitive and tends to be overly emotional. Maybe it's normal, just new to me, but I worry.
(Oh how carefully I tip toe around the details)
He seems to evaluate every experience negatively.
How was school today?
Sad grumpy face - disturbing story of woe.
Every day.
What did you learn?
Nothing. It's SO boring. I already know everything the teacher says. And I have to wait for everybody else to finish everything. (Thanks, no child left behind!)
And everybody hates me. Sigh and roll eyes. Because they don't. Kids are always calling to play with Crichton. He has an awesome best good buddy. There are friends - he's not a lone wolf, but I think he'd like to be.
I'm a bad boy. He's so hard on himself. Sometimes I worry that we're too religious, too right and wrong, good and bad; that he is already feeling the pressure to be perfect - and guilt that he can't just be perfect. God loves you, baby, just the way you are. Mommy, too.
He has another friend, with older siblings, who often speaks in suicidal hyperbole: I'm going to kill myself. Crichton has picked up the habit. Hearing your child say those words ... Good God in Heaven ...
I spoke to the school psychologist about it all - he said to make Crichton counter those negative thoughts by saying positive things. Saying the truth. Repeatedly using positive neural pathways, rather then letting him continue to wear down the ruts he's created.
My mom loves me, my dad loves me, my grandmas love me, my grandpa loves me, my brother loves me, my sister loves me, Milo loves me, my teachers love me, my friends love me ... I am a good boy.
Still, he struggles with his attitude. Kids can be depressed, too. He used to complain about random body pain. That's one of the symptoms of childhood depression. He asked to take a break from Karate. No longer wanting to participate in activities you enjoy - that's another.
I watch him so very closely. I worry that I've done this to him, taught him how to be depressed. Hampered his happiness. I've been working on myself, trying to choose happiness, to CHOOSE to be happy. Or at the very least, stay on an even keel. Running has helped incredibly. Twice weekly temple sessions: I can't recommend it enough - especially for young mothers who aren't getting crap out of Sunday church meetings (as far as personal enrichment).
My brain is starting to get better. When I run, I chant positive affirmations: You can do it, Brandy. Just a little more, you can do it, I know you can. In the temple, I feel loved; I feel perfect. Rather than sitting around at home all the time, feeling overwhelmed, I am going places, doing things, communicating with people, building friendships, developing routines to keep my home cleaner (a little). I don't fly apart so much - I keep my ... self together.
Nature, nurture, whatever. I have to help Crichton see this Truth - that happiness is a choice and your attitude is all up to you.
SO.
Yesterday he got home from school, I asked him how his day went.
Bad.
Bad? Why? (I was folding laundry.)
Nobody wanted to play what I wanted to play. Everybody hates me. (He had crawled into the 3 foot tall empty basket.)
I kind of snapped.
I raised my voice, but wasn't angry. "YOU HAVE TO STOP BEING SO GRUMPY ALL THE TIME CRICHTON! YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY. YOU HAVE TO!"
He was shocked to hear me yell, and he started crying and wanted to run away from me. But I wouldn't let him out of the basket. He was wedged in there, squirming and struggling and pushing with all his might, but he couldn't escape. He grunted and squalled and cried and got mad. I encouraged him to keep struggling, to let all those bad feelings out, but I wasn't going to let him out until he CHOSE to be happy instead.
He kept fighting me, crying, telling me I was making him feel worse. "I'm not making you feel anything, you choose how to feel Crichton. If you want out of here, choose to be happy."
He fought for several more minutes, then he went limp and reached up to hug me. I held him in my arms and spoke softly to him about how choice is God's greatest gift to us. We can't always control what happens to us in this life, we might get trapped in a laundry basket, but whatever happens, no one can make us feel bad, we have the power to choose to be happy. I loved on that kid and he started smiling.
I think he got it.
At dinner, I asked him what he learned today. He said, "I can choose to be happy." I think he was getting it (or was sufficiently afraid of being trapped in a laundry basket again). It takes practice, breaking the habit of self-destructive mental dialogue, but I know I have to give him some tools, some armor against the sadness that clings to him.
Choose to be happy.
10 Brilliant Bits of Inspiration:
Oh my gosh. I was not expecting such a heart wrenching post this morning. I'm at work and now people are going to wonder why I'm crying. What a beautiful lesson. THanks for sharing.
You are a good Mom. Exactly the Mom that Crichton needs. And the two of you will work thru these struggles together.
You'll see...as you continue to choose happiness for yourself, he will follow.
sending hugs...
My kid has ALWAYS been a total Eeyore. "Nobody loves me...life sticks...I'm bored".
I wish I had done what you did(or maybe something less confining...)
Because I literally cried at "I can choose to be happy". This is a lesson he will always remember.
I go through some of the same things (ok, minus the laundry basket, but maybe that's next) with my son. He has a lot of anxiety about things and it's hard to watch him suffer knowing that it's his own brain causing the problems and see him struggle to learn to use the tools that would help him deal with it.
My brother was a lot like that, at one point my parents wouldn't let him in the door from school until he told them 3 positive things about his day. They weren't picky it could be anything, even that he was thankful the day was over. He could even say the same 3 things everyday. Somedays he really struggled with it, and would sit outside or in the car for a good half hour, but eventually it got easier for him and it did change his out look. He still struggles with his tendency to look at everything in a negative light, but at least he can catch himself doing it and if he can't change how he sees it he'll call my or Dad to give him another way to look at it.
Positive thoughts really do make an amazing difference.
And just to make you laugh I'll post this story about me and my Mom on my blog, it's too long to put in your comments.
Good lesson, and the school psych is right- by practicing positive self talk, the brain creates new neural pathways and with enough practice they become habit. However, with the negative self talk those pathways are also being worn in. He will need to practice, just as you have been.
If you need some research resources, I highly suggest looking into Cognitive Behavioral therapy, specifically into Cognitive Distortions, Thinking Errors and the skills of Thought Stopping, POsitive affirmation and positive visualization. I work w/ a lot of kids diagnosed with depression, and especially with teh super smart ones, helping them learn ways to work with their thoughts is VERY helpful.
You are such an awesome mom!
I've often tried to look back at my childhood and figure out what my parents did that helped my sister and me to become so confident and optimistic. It's tricky to do this in hindsight. Still, I do think a few things stand out, including really taking time everyday to tell us how smart, strong, brave, etc. we were. They were all about the positive reinforcement. For me, sports were also incredibly helpful. Perhaps you've seen this with his karate? I was a diver (springboard, flips and such) and setting goals and achieving them day by day through hard work was unbelievably confidence-building. Seriously. Nothing beats being scared so badly you're shaking and crying and then getting up there are doing it anyway for making you feel good about yourself. Perhaps goal setting sessions in general? We did a lot of that during my childhood and I still use those habits today.
Give yourself a hug for being a great mom!
Good job today, Momma! My oldest son sounds a lot like Crichton. We have had similar conversations quite often, and I can see it sinking in. I have the same worry (about teaching him how to be depressed) but I try to let my own history be a tool rather than a crutch---a place I can draw knowledge from in the act of protecting my kids from the same place. That, to me, is MY parental choice, the one I HAVE to make to avoid passing along my Internal Eeyore.
And...maybe (I think!) I've said this before, but it begs saying again: losing weight, healthier heart and lungs, stronger body, all are great effects of running, but the positive mantras you have to keep running through your head in order to keep on running are THE best benefit!
I pledge to choose to be happy.
If I'm not being happy please remind me.
Thanks
I don't even remember how I ran across your blog, but I am glad I did! Your post reminds me so much of my step-son, Levi. He is 9 1/2 and is always so grumpy. I told my husband that Levi could be sitting in front of a video game with a pile of candy in his lap and when asked if he was having fun he would say no because we didn't get him the right type of candy. He has made the comments about killing himself and he has also has no interest whatsoever in playing sports or participating in any sort of group activities. I find this highly frustrating because his natural mother does not take the necessary steps to right the situation. Instead of insisting that he form positive thoughts and make the choice to be happy she babies him. Of course that is a very long and involved story that I will not get into here, but I know that the things you are teaching your son are things we can teach our son too, if only on the weekends. At least it is better than never hearing these things. You are a strong mama, keep up the good work :)
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