I miss my daddy. Today he would have been 54. I would have made him a cake, taken him to dinner, watched Crichton try out his latest Karate moves on grandpa, watched Canon shoot him with his finger gun, watched Sagan tentatively let him hold her, then smile big and cute as he blew on her neck. We'd have all sung Happy Birthday and given him hugs. I would have found some bizarre trinket or piece of memorabilia to give him. Maybe a funny tee-shirt. We'd all have signed a naughty humorous birthday card.
I know my pain and suffering are not unique. A couple lost their baby girl last night. This life here, it is temporary. Every second is precious. Every day is a miracle.We get so comfortable, so used to the way things are, we take it all for granted. But there are no guarantees. You hold on tight to your spouse and your kids, you would give everything up to keep them one more day and you know it.
Days like this, times like now, make you really want to KNOW what the big picture looks like, how it goes after life is over. I'm tired of playing around with faith and theories - this is serious business. I want my husband and kids forever - is that possible and if so, what do I have to do to make that so? What if death is the end? What if there is no soul, nothing further than this existence, this miserable bleak and sorrowful world of impatient selfish lazy people.
The suffering is good, though, it makes me strive to be kinder, more thoughtful, more loving, to go ahead and snuggle my kids for a few more seconds.
Melancholy ... I think I'll back to my book and wait for husband dear to come home, praying constantly that he makes it home, miss him ...
5 Brilliant Bits of Inspiration:
The story of Madeline broke my heart. There but the grace of God go we- my twins were 11 weeks premature and there is no medical explanation for Bethany's survival and present enjoyment of near perfect health. She had 12 minutes of oxygen deprivation at birth and yet we were allowed to keep her, perfect and whole. I don't know why we were chosen for a miracle when so many others who deserve it don't get it, but we are so grateful.
I'm also sorry about your Dad. A girl can NEVER be old enough to lose her Daddy.
I don't subscribe to a religion these days, so I don't struggle with the questions that you struggle with. When I die, I fully intend to turn into dirt. It's pretty much a certainty. I'm actually hoping to be part of some daisies, or maybe an oak tree some day. Or a butterfly. Or just a regular old worm or ant. I'm not fussy. I expect what is left of me will transform into many things after I die. I'm totally content with that. And I guess I live in a different world than you, in some ways. My world is not bleak and full of selfish, lazy people. My world is stunning, every single day, moment to moment to moment. And the people in it are amazing.
I truely understand what your going through. Not a day goes by when I don't miss my dad and some days the pain is severe, as if it just happened. Its hard not to feel cheated out of special those moments that will never happen.
Your father might not be able to play with your kids and teach them things but you can tell your kids all about him so that they feel like they know him. I think that's important. It also will help you to remember all the things you loved about him. Not to sound cheesy, but sometimes the most precious possession we have is our memories.
It is with great respect and awe that I remember the miracle of the resurrection of Jesus Christ. He who made it possible for all GOd's children to return from whence we came and be reunited with those who have gone before us.
I'm sorry your Daddy left you sooner than you were ready to let go. That is his legacy...your love for him. He must be one lovely father.
Hugs to you, Brandy.
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