All These Things (Part III - The Anticlimatic Conclusion)

First, I went a little crazy; nice people were concerned.

Then, I ran away to the temple.

However, whatever I needed, whatever I was looking for, it wasn't in there.

A number of people suggested I seek professional help. And find alternate housing for my poor widowed mother-living-in-my-basement. I save those roads for another day.

Alternately, I ran miles, listened to happy music, walked in the rain, stayed caffeinated, prayed a bit, kept on with baby sleep training - achieving a modicum of success, snuggled on my kids, canoodled with my husband. Friends said nice, uplifting, supportive, sweet things to me. People care. Thank you for caring about me. Thank you so very much.

I've been pretty good since Thursday, I'd say. I'm in with love my husband, I'm giggling with my kids, I'm not plotting my mother's murder.

And so, here we are today: Alive and well. Intact. Perfect?

Exceptionally tough Sunday with the silly Sunbeams (a bit of a cry after church and that was done with), chocolate cake for Sunday dinner (amazing how it winds the kids up before bed, having chocolate cake for dinner), and all is right as rain in my head again.

I don't know what makes me crazy. What makes me crazy? What makes me break? Can I be fixed? Do I need fixed?

When I was 13, I broke a thermometer and played with the mercury. I may have even tasted it. Mercury is pretty cool, though.

My dad had several pretty significant periods of severe depression, ongoing for days and weeks, with no happy breaks.

I know that depression, official, diagnosable depression, needs to be significantly more ongoing. I need to be sad more days than I am happy. It's really not that way. (Though I do tend to write more often when I'm sad, as a catharsis, I guess. Sorry, can't be posies and pixie stix all the time)

I think I have a wacky hormone cocktail in my brain that, when combined by several nights of too little sleep, throws my mood completely in the crapper. I let myself get buried by emotion. I have my little breakdown, get a little sympathy, listen to people tell me what to do to feel better, it always works and I limp merrily along.

It's not such a big deal to be sad once in a while. I don't think I need medication for it. I don't think paying a counselor to listen to me whine will help any more than my blog (though my readers may grow weary of it - who cares. If I bore you, stop reading) (just kidding, I need you).

I need to make myself A Secret Sadness Antidote with step by step instructions.

I think the following should fix me:

1. Run. For at least 30 minutes. There should be sweat and a sense of physically not being able to keep going. Get someone to watch the kids if necessary.

2. Shower. Because one stinks when one gets all sweaty from running and showers are oh so nice.

3. Put on real clothes (no elastic waistbands or men's XL t-shirts). Socks and shoes, too

4. Do something with hair and throw on a drop or two of make-up, nothing fancy, lip gloss and mascara and a bit of powder. Just enough. And perfume, the kind one saves for special occasions.

5. Eat something fresh - fruit or vegetable or grain or nut, but something really healthful.

6. Hap-hap-happy music (play list to be posted later, downloading songbird to assist me with this, even as we type, as my iPod is decrepit and I never liked iTunes anyway). Happy mellow happy music. Dancing. With children. Happy dancing music.

7. Indulge a smidge. Dollar store shopping trip. Go out for ice cream or get a soda and a candy bar or out to lunch or all three. No guilt for the guilty pleasures.

8. Blow bubbles. Outside. Bubbles are beautiful simple magic. Let all your troubles float up up and away with the bubbles. Let your anxiety and worry and fear *pop* out of existence. Bubbles.

9. Nap or go to bed early. Must get enough sleep. There are three things the body needs: Food, exercise, and sleep. Moms with little kids (or teenagers or every age in between, I imagine) often have their sleep interrupted and it messes the brain up good. Skip the stupid TV and steal a little sleep.

10. Just pray to God for assurance that he loves you. Think in your mind, "Father in Heaven: do You love me? I just really need to know, " He'll say yes and give you a hug.

Two songs cheered me up a lot:

Jack Johnson - Breakdown
Bob Marley - Three Little Birds (used to "talk to Bob", but now, I listen :))

Go buy the Mp3s quick and keep them handy for just in case.






Deuteronomy 4:29-31

29 But if from thence thou shalt ^aseek the Lord thy God, thou shalt ^bfind him, if thou seek him with all thy heart and with all thy soul.

30 When thou art in ^atribulation, and all these things are come upon thee, even in the ^blatter days, if thou ^cturn to the Lord thy God, and shalt be obedient unto his voice;

31 (For the Lord thy God is a ^amerciful God;) he will not forsake thee, neither destroy thee, nor forget the ^bcovenant of thy fathers which he sware unto them.

Finally, you will be thrilled to hear: Greg indicated he may make an attempt to try to possibly maybe come home from work a little earlier than he has usually been coming home. Maybe.

Good enough for me.