So. I ran away from home to the Odgen, UT LDS Temple in desperate need of sanctuary.One can not speak too specifically about what one does in the temple. One might say, however, if one is not in her right mind, one might find the endowment session melodramatic and tedious. One might have to stifle cynical snorts and one might find the long, redundant process quite annoying when all one wants to do is get to the Celestial room and sit in peace with her thoughts, pray, to be still and Know.
You go to the temple to "work." Usually, you are performing one of half a dozen ordinances on behalf of dead people. I was doing an endowment session, which takes about 2 hours. I was not feeling especially patient. I kept asking myself, why all this ceremony? Where is Jesus and His simple gospel in all of this? Sorry, *Vincenza Canino who lived in Italy in the 1600's, I hope my lack of faith doesn't effect your eternal progression.
Here's a little note: I don't really care what your opinion of ordinances for the dead is. If you have questions or criticisms, email me directly and I will respond cordially - however, I will not hesitate to exercise my bloggy super power to remove comments if I feel you are being offensive or inappropriate. And I'm a little touchy today. Thank you and now back to your regularly scheduled post.
Finally, I made it to the celestial room (and isn't so easy as you think, okay?). Plunked myself in the first cozy chair, and started crying my stupid eyes out. Fortunately, I had an old, slightly used tissue in my pocket. People usually hang out in the C-room for a few minutes, chit-chat with God or each other, then quietly return to the lone and dreary world. I sat there for over an hour.
I begged God to kill me. Just take me up to Heaven for the good of all those I love. Let me die in the temple, looking all holy and faithful. Full of Faith. Full of something.
God, clearly, did not come through on that one.
(God answers every prayer. Sometimes he says, "Yes," sometimes he says, "Quit acting like an idiot.")
I prayed to know how to fix myself, to understand why I go crazy emotional.
(Asking God why he made women crazy is like asking Him why He made men so jerky.)
I prayed for forgiveness for being a terrible wife to poor, sweet Gregory, and a nasty, neglectful, impatient mother to my children. Honestly, what kind of mother makes her babies WALK HOME IN THE COLD RAIN WHEN THEY HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM?
Then I started thinking about what it was gonna be like when I got home. Messy house, testifying to my laziness and ineptitude. Broken baby girl to deal with all night long. Angry, hungry husband with a mountain of evidence proving he should fire me and trade me in on a functioning model.
I wondered if I could hide in the temple. It's very maze-like (I'm lost the moment I get out of the lobby) and the temple workers are old, bad eyesight. I could hide in a locker until I'm sure everyone has left for the night. If I set off an alarm, I'd just say I fainted and pretend to have amnesia. I could pull it off. But then there's the whole lying in the temple to temple workers ... probably you go to hell for that crap.
When I was through crying about every little thing, I got up out of my cozy chair and slowly walked back to the dressing room. I carefully changed out of my temple clothes, folding everything so neatly. I put my "street clothes" back on and dragged my feet as I left the temple.
The temple didn't do it for me.
*Possibly the great great grandmother of the famous artist (of whom I've never heard) Vincenzo Canino (1892-1978) Hey, I was born in 1978, hmm. No such thing as coincidence, I say.
9 Brilliant Bits of Inspiration:
I think that if you ask, they will let you go right into the celestial room.
I may be way off base here, but I think we have been in similar circumstances. I recently had my older brother living with me.
There is too much history/info for me to write in a single comment, but I having him there was SO draining: emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally. I was angry ALL the time and could not figure out why.
Maybe your mom is the same? Maybe she is the variable that is pushing everything else to the unmanagable stage and making everything else unbearable?
I could be completely wrong and completely coming out of left field.
I kind of agree with Lori Ann. I notice that your blogs, since your mother has moved in, have caused you to address a lot of deep seated emotions and insecurities. There definately is a change.
I don't know her situation exactly, but maybe there is some way that she could live nearby so that you don't have to worry about her, but not with you. My brother in law's parents found a program offered by the state. It's an assisted living type situation, more of a 55 & older comunity, that bases the rent on a person's income. They really love it there, they have their own apartment, but the the community also offers all kinds of fun stuff so there is opportunity to socialize or have your privacy. Maybe UT has a similar program.
I just have to ask, did anyone ask if you were okay as you sat there crying? Did anyone come over to offer you comfort? Did they offer to listen, to pray with you, to just be there with you? Did someone offer help? This isn't meant as a complaint on your religion, so please don't take it that way. But no one should sit in any place of worship and cry for an hour without a pastor, or lay person of the church offering help and solace.
I need to go help at my daugther's school this morning but please remember two things.
One, you are not alone, I'm thinking of you and so are all of us who know you online, not to mention those who love and care about you right there.
And two, NO ONE would be better of without you! You are important to so many lives, those you know and even some you don't realize.
Lori Ann - Do they really - is there a secret password or cheat code? Next time I run away ... heck, I'll probably still do the session ...
I certainly can't blame another person for how I feel. My mom just is who she is - I think the main problem stems from me not accepting that mingled with an adolescence with oodles of disappointment and a pinch of neglect. I am working on that, my on switch is stuck ...
j4luck - I WILL look into that .. oh my, it would be so nice, if she could be on her own, but close enough I can help ... she's not really capable of doing it all on her own, but maybe if she was in the same town it would be enough freedom and help ... one can hope.
Amy - no one came up to me ... no one. I don't know - there's the theory of dispersant responsibility - everyone thinks someone else will probably help or sees no one helping and assumes no help is needed. People often take their most earnest prayers to the Celestial Room, one wouldn't want to interrupt a mental conversation a stranger is having with God, unless one felt strongly prompted to do so.
Which makes me wonder ... next time I get that feeling like I should go hug a sad stranger, maybe I kind of better ought to do it, no?
Thanks to all who have thought of me (silly stupid me) and commented words of encouragement - I appreciate it. Sometimes it is very helpful to know you are NOT special or unique, you're just like every other struggling soul and that struggle binds us closer together.
I Love you all so much, it feels trite to write it out like that, but my heart is full of gratitude to friends, some whom I've never met. Thank you very much. For just being there, where ever you are.
Brandy! I want to fly out to Utah and hug you and help you clean your house and deal with your baby girl so you can sleep through the night! But I can't do that right now. I wish I could.
So to make up for that, I want to let you know that you are amazing. You don't see it that way, I know, but you are such a loving mom to 3 creative and amazing children. You are a caring and devoted wife. You are full of love and laughter and questions and doubts and insecurities and all of these other things that so many people carry around with them. You are human and you are searching and you WILL get through this.
The social worker in me is coming out right now, but I think if there are deep seeded things coming up for you right now, triggered by your mom coming to live with you, you need a sounding board for all of that and you also need someone objective and skilled to help guide you along in the process. Try and find a counselor you can talk to about this, I'm sure it will help! There are a lot of therapists that will work on a sliding scale too so it need not be super expensive. Getting some extra support and a toolbox of ways to confront these feelings and manage ALL the things going on will really assist and empower you. Just try it.
Loves and hugs to you.
it's okay not to be able to live with your mother. when I got back from my mission my dad had to tell me to move out for his sanity. Mom and I were fighting WAY too much. He couldn't handle it. (neither could we.) Mom and i get along way better when we have different residences. It's not bad. It's just how it is.
Every reaction has a catalyst. There are positive and negative catalysts. Your mother could be a negative one on your situation. Again, not bad. It just is.(could be)
i was wondering the same thing as Amy. I am sorry to hear that no one came to see if you were okay.
I hope that you have a wonderful weekend and know that I am thinking of you.
I'm not sure what to say, but here's an internet hug.
One thing, I would take a minute to really question the language you use about yourself. Your words are cruel to yourself and are definitely not true. You deserve to be loved.
Well, first off, I think you're too hard on yourself. Stress does that to us. Satan, the old Puke, pokes at us when we're most vulnerable...of this I know. So don't be so hard on yourself.
Second, I had hoped that by having 7 children, I have a one-in-6 chance of not being locked up in some nursing home when I'm old and decrepid--but now I'm thinking otherwise. Do I really want to live with my kids and all their kids' stuff too?
I'm with Vncenzo...Italy sounds good.
I'm so sorry you didn't find what you needed in the temple. I wish I lived closer. I would love to come and help out - heck, maybe we could help each other out. I have no family anywhere close. I empathize with you in most cases. It is so hard being what everybody else needs without completely losing yourself. Just know that we are here online for you, anytime.
Post a Comment