One Friday afternoon, about a month ago, I was on hold for Dr. Laura. "I hate my mom and she lives in my basement. How do I control my hostility?" Unfortunately, the show ended before she got to me. I keep thinking I should call her again and get my answer, but that would take effort. Effort I don't have the energy to put forth.
You see, my baby girl thinks the night time is the right time to scream like a banshee every few hours. And when I take pity on her and bring her into my bed, she scratches my face off and bites my nipple. Teething. AND I had to wake up at 6 am (which is really 5am and I'm so not fooled, unlike SOME people, by the adjusting of my clock ) so that my husband would get up and go to work early so he can get off early because I need him home in the evenings because I'm going a little crazy (full moon).
Since sitting in the recliner with my laptop is easier than trying to call a radio show. You play like Dr. Laura and advise me, ok?
A word of warning: my husband's advice was to get over it already and that advice is not helpful. If I could just get over it, I would. Faking it ... every day ... Of course, he has to hear me whine about it way more than you do, and you get it a lot. So I understand his
I think the catalyst for today's post was this other blog; Google Reader recommended it for me. Sometimes I just covet other women's relationships with their mothers. Long for the love and mutual respect they describe. Even the sadness after loss; I can't relate at all, but I want it. As a mommy blogger and the reader of mommy blogs, the party line is "We all just do the best we can," but, y'know, sometimes that just doesn't [expletive] cut it.
I am a very, very bad person. God knows my thoughts. He knows how intense and evil they are. No amount of generosity can compensate.
A few nights ago, I got into this discussion with my husband, him with his persistent "get over it already," me with my "but she was a bad mom" idiocy. I told him I wished someone would have called CPS and taken me away. People are so big about keeping kids with the parents ... pfft. Making kids is easy, being a parent, well, people never want to judge, but, look at me, for crying out loud, do you see what happens to the hearts and minds of kids who have to raise themselves? Sure, I seem fine, most of the time, but I don't talk to people, I don't trust people, I am over sensitive to the possibility I will be judged unworthy, I resent having to do things for people (I had to take care of myself, why can't you).
It just makes me so mad. Sure, her incompetence made me super self-reliant in some ways in devestatingly incapable in others. I'd rather have a mother I respect.
Ok, so, if you're not too busy or irritated, please tell me how one "gets over it" while "it" is shoved in her face every day? Don't sypmathize, fricken advise. I don't want to be this bitchy, whiny, bitter, sad, little girl, I want to be a calm, happy, strong, confident woman. What little thing do I repeat in my mind when it's pushing me too far? Like after I've given her a ride to work, she calls because she forgot her work shoes and needs me to bring them up to her. What the mantra for when she asks me to come pick her up, even though I just got the baby to sleep and just want to sit still for a moment? How do I breathe when she comments about my house keeping skills? How do you remind your mom to do the one little chore she agreed to do? What do you say when she does it in the same crappy manner she does everything? When she's a fifty year old teenager? How do you keep it all together so you don't become the same kind of useless mother, in your bitterness and spite? What is the trick, the one that will work for me everyday until ... it is finished.
23 Brilliant Bits of Inspiration:
Forgive me if you've answered this question in previous posts, but I suspect the answer's at the core of your problem:
Why does your mom live in the basement?
Probably not helpful advice, but all I can think of is "learn to say no".
Like I said, probably not helpful.
Sorry.
Hmmm...I have a mom just like yours. She doesn't live in my basement, but she does/would call me 2-3 times a day for an hour each time if I let her. Answer #1...she's not going to change...ever...and that's okay, so stop waiting for it.
Answer #2 Pray, read your scriptures, pray some more, and I promise...either you'll change, you'll know what to do, or the situation will fix itself (most likely #1). This is coming from the hypocrite that has yet to make it 2 days in a row this year of doing these things, so take it for what it's worth. But when I do it, it works. Luv ya!
I think it would be appropriate to make some sort of contract with your mother. Bluntly, "Mom, if you're going to live here, you WILL do a, b, and c and you WILL NOT do a, b, or c."
And sing "Jesus Said Love Everyone" under your breath when she makes you crazy. Works like a charm when dealing with insane co-workers, too!
P.S. Good luck! We're all pulling for you.
I think when we're feeling so worn thin that we feel like we're going nuts, it is time to examine where limits can be drawn. I mean really, if you go into the mental hospital you aren't going to help anyone. Not saying you will, but it is always a possibility for any of us ;) so this is all the more reason so recognize why you need to set some limits.
So what is the GOAL for your mom living in the basement? Is she going to be there forever or eventually move out and move on? You've mentioned in previous posts that she talks about getting her own place, maybe you can help her get to that goal. Will she eventually have the money for that? Can she get any kind of assistance to help her? Maybe see if there is an agency in your area that can offer her some support, in the way of getting funds or rides or jobs- even life skills trainings- it can't all be on you.
And in the meantime, start setting REALLY consistent limits with her, like you would for a teenager. If she consistently forgets stuff when she goes to work, have her do a checklist before you leave to take her there. And sometimes draw the line of "No I can't bring you that" which will be a natural consequence for her to back up the whole preparation piece. She will need to learn that you are not at her beck and call and you'll have to be really firm for her to get that, so that it isn't like "Brandy's being mean today" but just that "Brandy will only give me ONE ride a day and that is it".
You can, maybe, someday "get over it" but to even start to do that, you need a little space and not reminders in your face and in your home every 2 minutes.
Since the word "mother" or "my mother" conjures up all this pain and resentment from your past, a past that is so hard to get over, I think you should just start calling and thinking of her as something else. Call her Oprah, for instance. Oprah is living in your basement.
Otherwise, trust me, you will NEVER get over it.
Here are two types of advice: one from the 'immature Lori' and one from "mature, responsible Lori"
IL: Wow, isnt it great that you are there for her when she was NEVER there for you? I bet she hasnt even owned up to being a bad parent, right? If so, she would be trying her best to help you, rather than turning into your 4th child.
The title of mother and its responsibilities apparently never meant much to her. Has she earned the right to sponge off you? People who are users are "all for one, one for all" when it is to their benefit only!
You worked hard to make your life different. Most people never really rise about the ideas and socioeconomic sphere of their parents, and yet you did. Why does she deserve to benefit from it?
ok, now mature Lori..
ML: This is it. This is your true test of charity. Jesus tells us to love our enemies and serve those that despitefully use us. This may be the biggest test of your life.
I like the Oprah idea. And "learn to say no" was what came to mind for me. I know all of our experiences are different and vary to whatever degree, but I think setting boundaries that you can stick to is the best you can do. She forgets things at home. You're sorry she forgot them, but you're too busy to bring them. The baby is sleeping and you need to rest, then you're sorry you can't pick her up. Somehow she managed without you at one point (I assume), and she needs to learn to do it again.
I say these things with the disclaimer (of course) that I don't always keep the amazing boundaries I plan to set up in my own life. But I hope your situation improves.
A personal story (feel free to stop reading, if you'd like): My mother didn't really want me to get married. She did relent and come to the wedding, but boy, was she unpleasant about it. Afterwards, for holidays (Christmas, Valentine's Day, Easter, etc.) she would send cards to me, addressed to my maiden name (which I didn't keep) and only to me. Not including my husband at all. By the time Easter rolled around (we got married in October) I started "return to sender" -ing the cards. I decided that if I let her continue to treat him like he didn't exist, it would always be that way. I sent an email explaining that she was welcome to send personal letters just to me, but a family card should include my husband who is my family. Since then our relationship has improved. It's not peaches and puppy dogs, but its improved. Wow, that was probably too much information.
Thanks for blogging. Thanks for commenting on my blog. I enjoy it all.
I agree with mambinki.
My Mom had a terrible time when my Grandma moved in with them. She kept wanting my Grandma to be "her mother" but she finally had to come to terms with the fact that she had dementia and wasn't/couldn't be the adult. My Mom finally had to choose, either to send her away (in their case to a nursing home) or to accept that my Grandma now needed to be treated like a child, not an adult. My Mom would literally have to ask my Grandma if she had gone to the bathroom before they left the house, do you have what you need etc. However once she excepted this and started doing what you would do with a child it made it easier.
So in your case I think that treating her like a teenager is the best thing you can do. Like Mambinki said have a check list for her and stand by your decision. If she doesn't have everything she needs, than it is something she will need to deal with. You can't be at her beck and call.
I also agree that you need to look into services to help. When your Mom talks about a place of her own, is that even really a possibility, could she live on her own. What about a subsidized senior apartment situation. I think for most of those you only need to be fifty years old (I don't know how old your Mom is but it was just a thought) and most of these have transportation for residents and some even have meal options, while still giving a fully equipped private apartment.
I hope some of this helps.
Good luck.
I agree with some of the other people here, it's all about setting limits. She does those things because she knows that she can, even if it's not a conscious effort, it's a subconscious pattern.
For instance, if she calls you to pick her up after you just got the baby asleep and you're trying to take a rest, tell her you will pick her up at(such and so)time so she will have to occupy herself until then.
She will try to guilt you into explaining yourself but you have to say it confidently and choose your words careful-like I stated above- where it leaves little room for question. And not give in to the need to validate your answer.
It's not going to be easy for you because you have been in this role with her for a long time. You just need to work at it.
I would suggest working on the areas that bother you the most first and just focus on one aspect at a time- like the phone calls to pick her up that mess up your schedule. Work soley on dealing with those until it becomes comfortable and natural for you to take control of that situation. Then move onto something else, like her criticism of your houskeeping.
After a while, you will respond more naturally in a way that will put a stop to the behavior before it escalates to the insanity level. You just have to be patient and work at it.
Good luck!
First let me begin by saying: I am so happy you asked for my advice so that I don't have to offer unsolicited advice. I mean, it was a broad appeal to the world wide web, but in my own mind... LOL.
Second, I think you need a Love & Logic Parenting Class. This is one of the keys that helps me in dealing with my own mother. Yes, the class is a parenting class and it is billed as being helpful in raising your children- don't be fooled. The most use I get out of the skills I practiced in this class are in dealing with my mother! In Idaho the school districts offer the class for the price of the workbook (somewhere around $10) and they also offer free childcare in the school during the class. Washington has the same sort of arrangement. I wouldn't be suprised if Utah is similiar as well.
My mother is an unique and wonderful individual. I truly do love her, but I don't always respect her and our values are often in conflict (other than honesty we're poles apart). She makes demands on my time and energy that I cannot fulfill while still caring for my small children and husband. If I put my small children first she will tell me that I am being selfish, rude, inconsiderate, yada, yada, yada.
"You chose to have that many kids! That does not mean the world revolves around you and your kids!" is a statement she frequently makes when asking me to feed animals (takes about 2 hours) after I've explained that I have to do school, make dinner, feed my family, and put kids in the bath- in exactly the same time period she expects me to feed for her. The feeding time for the animals is non-negotiable.
Love and Logic helped me separate my own problems/responsibilities from her problems/responsibilities. Now I can actually laugh when she makes really outrageous demands instead of steaming over them.
Being able to move forward as a healthy adult requires you separate from your mother (mentally). Forgive her for being flawed and understand that she is not going to change and become the mother you want. Nothing you can do can change her. Holding onto resentment hurts you. It's hard to let go but when you get to the point where you're ready... forgiveness feels good. It doesn't mean you trust her. It doesn't mean you respect her. It doesn't mean all your dealings with her will change. But it does mean you can live your life moving forward into a bright future, instead of looking back at a flawed childhood.
Love and Logic changed my life! Please look into it.
Wow. There's so much here. Anger. Confusion. Self-pity. Resentment. Desperation. You're a very complex person. I also think you're a strong person and a smart person. Which is why I can't figure it out when you write things like "I'm a monser." and I'm awkward, stupid, bad, evil, etc. etc.etc.etc.etc. I'm not buying it. I don't think you hate yourself that much or think that you're stupid or bad. Unless, you actually are stupid or bad. Which, by the way, pretty much all people are, to one degree or another at some point. Where is all this self-recrimination coming from? I get a feeling it's you feeling judged and "unworthy" -- by whomever... neighbors, bloggers, friends, enemies... As for your mom? Whoa. Tough one. In my life, when I find myself struggling with someone, I try to turn the focus back on myself, because I am the person I can change the most. Ever hear of the serenity prayer? I tweak it a little to make it read like this: God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the person I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
Find the things you need to change about yourself Brandy. Found out what's troubling you about YOU. When you have peace in your heart about who you are, and what you're doing, every one else's craziness just fades. When you get better, everyone gets better. The kids, the husband, the mom, the pets. Everyone.
I wish you well. I truly do. I think you should talk to a counselor about everything that you blog about. Face to face. A real, live human being. Use your resources, get help, figure it out, fix it. You are not stupid, or bad, or evil or monstrous. You are struggling, and you are confused and you are desperate. Just like the rest of the human race. Your case is not unique. Find someone to talk to. If you can't pay for a therapist, there are usually programs in any town or city where you can find counseling for little or no charge. I hope you don't think I'm being mean for saying "please get help." I have gotten help from counselors, therapists, friends and support groups. All of it has made my life better. I hope you will find the help you need.
I think your mom needs to move out, if that is at all possible. Boundaries (and you can't have a mental boundary if there isn't a physical boundary) from people who suck the life out of us are so necessary. Maybe if you start becoming super proactive about her finding her own place, she"ll pick up her act a little more. Good luck.
My mom lives in the basement because she is not a very competent adult. A little over a year ago, she called me, saying her boyfriend had stolen her debit card, had the PIN number and she was $800 over drawn and not able to pay rent. She lived an hour away; I drove over to see if I could help - boyfriend came over, pounding on the door, cops were called. I felt like it was a potentially dangerous situation, my husband agreed and we convinced her to move in.
Turns out, boyfriend was innocent (but a bum anyway - he had pawned all her DVD's the weekend she came to stay for Thanksgiving) - she had given some scammy credit card company her bank info and kind of, but not really authorized them to withdraw $199 like every month as a membership fee.
Either way, we loaned her the money to take care of the bank account, rent, moving her in, rental unit for her stuff.
She's one of those people who buys their friends, and leeches are attracted to her. Just not a good judge of character and not very smart with money. She moved in with us for about a year when my oldest was born in '02(out of her sister's home, which is where she stayed after my dad died in '00). She bounced around renting rooms. One roommate convinced her to get a house, which she did with a 0 down loan. It worked out ok, she was able to sell it at a profit about a year later, but that money all evaporated when she was out of work for about 6 months. She'd had her job for about 3 months when I got the "help me" call.
She's a widow, I am her only surviving child. She's not good on her own. I feel obligated to her and she is oblivious.
When she first moved in, she was sure she was going to be qualified for some sort of disability assistance, widow's money, something, took a bunch of tests; they determined she was not disabled enough to qualify for government help. So, she is all mine.
That's the back story.
Thanks for all your advice thus far. Tiffany - I have severely neglected the basics. Perhaps a return to that will make a difference (I'm desperate).
Kim - A written contract might be a good idea, too. I have a tendency to be very passive aggressive with her - like I totally stash pepsi in my room so she won't drink it, so petty.
Megan - I've volunteered at a mental hospital, they're not so bad ...a spa would be nicer, but the hospital has happy pills.
I have more comments to the brilliant comments, so, I'll be back.
Ok. Lots of people had lots to say, and I'm a little tired so I stopped reading after Lori Ann's comment, so forgive me if I repeat something.
I too have issues with my mom. I am not so open about discussing them on my blog for fear that she will someday stumble across it. That is if she ever learns that the internet is good for something else besides sending chain emails, but that is a whole other story.
Have you considered therapy? Not just a phone call to Dr. Laura. Real, actual, go sit on a couch for 45 minutes, therapy. I'm saying this from experience.
After years of having my mom drive me bat shit bonkers, I finally went to therapy. Even though she really didn't say anything different than my husband and friends had been telling me for years, it took hearing it from a "professional" or someone who wasn't personally invested in blowing smoke up my ass.
She told me that it was ok for me to be my own person, even if that meant disapproval from my mother. That it was ok for me to tell my mother no when I didn't want to do something. It was ok for me to take away the key my mom had to my house so she couldn't just drop by unnanounced, stay for hours keeping me from what I needed to do, and criticize my housekeeping skills while she was at it. That I didn't have to let my mom make me miserable just because she had given birth to me.
If your mom living in your basement is making you miserable, tell her to leave. It is ok for you to do that. It's your home. If it was a friend you had let stay with you, and that friend was not keeping up their end of the bargain, you would send them packing. Just because you share DNA doesn't mean you should treat her differently. If you don't think you can pack her suitcases and put her on the curb today, then make a plan. Tell her that in 30/60/90 days you expect her to be gone.
In the meantime don't take things to her that she forgets. She is an adult and it is her responsibility to have the items she needs for work. If my 10 year old forgets her homework, I don't take it to her, I let her take it the next day and serve the detention so she learns to remember it next time.
It sounds to me like your mother has never been responsible because she has never been made to be responsible, and unfortunately you have fallen into taking care of her. Also she is probably not going to change. In order for her to change, she will have to want to, and why should she want to if everyone is still going to take care of her. The only way this situation is going to change is if YOU make a change.
So go get yourself some therapy, check out some books about co-dependency from the library, join a support group, something. Most of all, remember that YOU are OK.
I hope this helps.
It sounds like you guys have some pretty serious role reversal. If you're the mom and your mom is the dependent, she needs to contribute to the household. She should be doing night duty with the baby, cleaning the house, cooking meals, etc. Right now you're enabling her to take advantage of you. If you let her carry her weight and earn her keep there, then maybe she would appreciate it more. She doesn't appreciate you because she feels entitled. She's not entitled. You are giving her a very nice gift. Let her know that you're tired. And let her know that it's starting to be too much in a very loving way. Tell her that you need her to contribute in order for you to continue. Be very empathetic, but firm in the boundaries that you set. Have a back-up place for her to go, if needed. There are some great womens' shelters in the Salt Lake Valley.
My problem with my mother is the other way, sort of. She doesn't really want to be involved with the reality of my life. Just the surface things. Unless i'm doing something wrong,and THEN she's got a problem.
At any rate, I am finding that if I can just dig up the courage to open my mouth and say what I think, instead of letting it all stew away inside of me and then complaining to my DH so that now HE doesn't like her very much, it's much better. Expressing my opinion doesn't really change her behaviors, but it makes ME feel better because it gives me a little bit of control---or, probably a better way to say that is I feel less like a victim if I just speak up.
What I can't figure out, though, is why it is so HARD to speak up to my mother?
My favorite 12 Step promise is that if we keep working on ourselves "we will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us."
I've found that the thing that helps me most in difficult situations is to keep working on myself -- it doesn't help right away, but eventually, I both figure out how to do what I need to *and* how to do it in a way that's right for me as a unique individual.
My journey has been through yoga, meditation, 12 Step, journaling and sharing with friends. For other folks it's church or therapy or exercise that brings insight.
I've found that if I'm honest with myself and sincere in my search for answers and my desire to change eventually the answer comes, the absolute right answer custom designed for me. I'm still waiting on a lot of answers, but I have faith now that they're coming. ;)
When people are in a co-dependent relationship, they have to ask themselves, "What am I getting out of it?" I have some ideas, but Dr. Laura never prompts, so I won't either. Seriously, this is filling a need for you. If the opportunity cost is too high, you need to kick her out. Give her two months, help her sign up for welfare, and get her in government housing. If this makes you feel guilty, realize you'll be a much better daughter in the long run. We have two families in this life. The one we are born into and the one we create. Don't let crazymakers ruin your one real shot at the family you've always wanted.
Love your blog, I love your idea about universal civil unions.
This has been my screen name for a long time. Weird, huh?
If you were sitting in my office the only thing I would say to you in a 50 minute session is:
Lower your expectations of your mother and she will no longer disappoint you.
In our second session I would tell you:
You deserve a good mother.
.
.
.
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Unfortunately you didn't get one.
Cory Tenbaum has good advice for forgiveness.
Well I have another question for you that hasn't been asked and is rather nosy....is there some reason you have to be up early just because your husband has to be up early? My husband gets up early sometimes for work, but that doesn't mean that I do.....I either get up when I get up or when Olivia wakes me up.
I figure that since I don't get a break until she goes to sleep that things even themselves out. I mean, I need my sleep too, and I take it where I can get it.
Is there some reason he needs you to be up with him to get out the door? Just curious.....not trying to be obnoxious, feel free to ignore me.
As for the teething, have you tried those Hyland's homeopathic tablets for Sagan? Along with the alternating doses of Ibuprofen and Tylenol they worked wonders during teething time for us.
Otherwise, you have my deep, deep sympathy, especially since Canon doesn't nap so you can't even get a quick one in during the day and it sounds like you can't trust your mom to watch the kids while you get a little sleep either.
Good luck,
Catherine
I am cold hearted as well - so my advice would be to tell her to do what you had to do as a kid! I would tell her "Take care of yourself. I had to." (I know I'm very cruel. I even told my own mom I wouldn't take care of her when she's old even though I'm training to become a CNA and later an RN.)
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