All-ah Peanut Butter Sandwiches

The magic of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Just think of it: fresh soft bread, oodles of creamy peanut butter, a thin, but adequate spread of chilled raspberry preserves. And the requisite glass of cold, cold milk. Makes you want to run to the kitchen right now, doesn't it?

Yes, there is nothing quite like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Sure, some people mess it up, but we all know what it is. And when it's right, mmmmm...

Not to say other sandwiches are not tasty in their own right. It's just, wow, I am really a PB&J lovin' girl.

But let's just say, since I'm a motherloving idiot who can't shut her pie hole for funzies, that someone likes only peanut butter on his peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Just peanut butter on both sides, NO JELLY. Hate the jelly. Seeds in the teeth. Icky, nasty, slimy jelly. And this he calls, A Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich.

You say, "WHA??? Why that is absolutely preposterous! A Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich HAS TO HAVE jelly or it simply can NOT be A Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich. The DEFINITION of Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches has always, clearly, traditionally, included peanut butter AND jelly. To call a sandwich only containing peanut butter, A Peanut Butter AND Jelly Sandwich would ... well, it just blows my freaking mind?!"

But what does it hurt? If he wants to call his Peanut Butter and More Peanut Butter Sandwich and Peanut Butter and JELLY Sandwich, whatever. He can make his sandwich how ever he wants. You know what PB&J is; his sandwich doesn't effect your PB&J one delicious drop, does it? No siree.

Alright, but that's not okay by him. He's a little ... well, insistent. In fact, he sues you. Yes. He does. He sues you to MAKE everyone call his Peanut Butter and More Peanut Butter Sandwich a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich, because that makes it fair and fair is fair. A judge concurs, gavel crash, done and done.

But it's not so simple. As it turns out, people who have long loved Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches, who's ancestors have always put jelly with the peanut butter as long as sandwiches have been around, are not cool with the judicial branch ordering them to treat sandwiches having peanut butter and more peanut butter equal in every way to peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. AND it's not just peanut butter and more peanut butter they hate, but even jelly with more jelly.

And before Mr. Peanut Butter and More Peanut Butter can say "Ala peanut butter sandwiches," all kinds of PB&J loving folks get together to make it perfectly clear how they feel about PB&J and all this trying to get them to call Peanut Butter and More Peanut Butter, Peanut Butter and Jelly. INDEED!

Then, there are a few of us, me for example, who think maybe our fellow PB&J lovers are going a teensy bit too far, freaking out that school's might teach our children that PB and more PB is just as acceptable as PB&J ... that PB and more PB people will recruit our slightly confused PB&J children, telling them it's normal to forgo Jelly, or try all kinds of crazy combinations (like that stuff that has peanut butter AND grape jelly together. In the same jar. That's not natural!)

So I say, "HOLD ON JUST A COTTON PICKING MINUTE! Before y'all go crazy with your lawyers and making commercials, can't we just call them all SANDWICHES and then let people go about putting whatever they'd like between the bread? I mean, maybe you think it goes against all that is Holy to put a layer of peanut butter up against another layer of peanut butter, but he really gets a little ill thinking about jelly on his bread. I mean, sure, I love peanut butter and jelly, and I bet God prefers peanut butter and jelly, but here in America, we're supposed to let people make choices and we're supposed to treat people equally, justice for ALL. Sandwiches are good, right?"

"Okay? Will that be okay? Sandwiches for everybody?"

*crickets*

And that's all I got for you.

Wait.

You know what else is good? BLT's.

With cheese.