I just finished reading my first journal, dating from '89-'94. Pretty silly and still interesting to look back and look at my life through my adult eyes. Parents: give your kids a journal and read it behind their backs - privacy smivacy. So many times, I bemoaned how little my parents cared about my life, how they were too busy with their own dramas to be concerned about mine. As I read my words, I tried to imagine how I'd feel, as a parent, discovering my kid felt that way, isolated, no one with which to talk about important things. I wanted to give myself a big hug and tell me it was going to be fine.
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When I was in 8th grade, I hung around with my two best friends and another girl who was a friend of a friend. I'll use initials to delineate them and maintain their anonymity, sorta. There was my oldest best friend AM, my newish but very good best friend TD and the other girl, KO. We all sat together at lunch, but we never really ate much.
KO was having her birthday party in January. She invited just my two best friends and did not invite me. I am a coward and never asked her why she excluded me; we weren't that close and she intimidated me. All of these girls behaved like nothing weird was going on. KO would discuss party plans in front of me, they all did, maybe my friends thought I was invited. Maybe KO made up some reason why I couldn't be there that night. My adolescent mind made up many scenarios.
The other side of this is my home life. My grandmother (who I now realize was probably my biggest influence, more like a mother to me than my mother) had died the year before. My father was having extramarital relationships, pretty openly, and my mom and I have never gotten along. There were extended family issues, religion issues, random people living in our house, and my house was a chaotic mess. I had my own room, though, a quiet place where I spend the vast majority of my home time. Alone. The only time my parents came looking for me was when it was my turn to wash dishes and to watch my brother while they left.
So, it's the night of the party, I was alone and heart broken. For me, at age 14, this was beyond devastating. My parents didn't care about me, all I had was my friends, and they clearly didn't care either. I filled a large cup of milk from the fridge (being rebellious; we kids were NOT allowed to drink milk, except a small glass at meals and only if there was a lot). Then I went in the bathroom and grabbed the mostly empty bottle of Ni-Tol and the Contact cold medicine. It was all we had. In my lonely room, I took it all and wrote in my journal:
Clearly, I was begging for attention, for sympathy, for help. I never saw a social worker or a psychologist. I told my oldest best friend about this about 10 days later. She was upset, but I don't know if she shared it with the others. It didn't really change anything in any of my relationships, but I took suicide out of my bag of attention getting tricks; not the most effective.
I think the whole thing changed me - I think it forced me to accept I was alone in this world. Whatever happened, I had to take care of myself because no one else was really going to. I don't think I ever trusted friends with my real feelings - they preferred thinking of me as the happy, smart, silly friend; there wasn't room for 2 depressed serious types in our group, so I filled my role. It took me a very long time to really trust my husband, that he loved me and wouldn't leave me. It just makes me so sad, that this happened and that nothing changed for me, no authorities got involved, no one was there for that poor little sad-but-pretending-things-were-fine girl that was me.
BUT! Everything turned out the way it was supposed to (which is to say, perfectly) ... I grew up, got married (maybe not in that order) and have three amazing children PLUS an awareness. A desire to always be emotionally connected to my children. I've got the inside scoop that my adult drama has a BIG impact on my children's lives. I know that my kids need to know I love them, that I enjoy spending time with them, that I think they are interesting people, and that I am lucky that they are in my life. I know that when they are teenagers, they still need all my love and attention.
Dr. Laura always says you have two chances to have a successful parent-child relationship: once as the child and then as the parent. So things kind of sucked the first time - NOW I have the power and the will to make sure I have a great parent-child relationship.
4 Brilliant Bits of Inspiration:
Don't you think that many of the truly horrible experiences in life are those that do the most to form the good parts of ourselves? If it doesn't kill it will make you stronger... sometimes it takes a lot of years and miles to be able to look back at a bad memory and realize it served a good purpose in making you who you are. Every little thing you experience imprints on the person you become. My mother went psycho (not violent, but truly off her rocker for a little while). Everything I understand about people, mental illness, self-sufficiecy, and friendship I learned during that relatively short period of time.
And that is all you can do - so do it well!! And good for you for taking charge and making change! Cat
Look at how far you've come! And as hard as that time was look at the wonderful mother your children are now blessed with!
I beleive that this B-Day party was the turning point of my relationship with KO and AM. We were thick as thieves in Elementary, and middle school, but when we started Jr High, we did not have classes together and such, and we drifted apart. I was invited to a bithday party I truly do not remember if it was 7th or 8th grade, but when I did not go I was then looked at as something worse that I could have imagined from these two girls who even though I did not hang out with anymore, I still thought highly of. I felt bad that they though I was such a ? I truly dont know what they thought. But If this was indeed the same birthday party, I think that it had quite a resounding effect on many young girls lives. So when you are keeping up with your kids lives watch closly for what surrounds birthday parties. They are tragic.
And all I have to say about the reading your kids journals...That is very deceptive, and if my mom would have ever told me she had read my journal wich was my one outlet that I had to be 100% honest with myself I would have never forgiven her. Really. I would not have. It was that important to me. So she probably did read it, but never let on that she did. Smart of her.
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