Interesting how each day plays out when you're a mom (or any living soul). Tonight, I planned to take the family (well, just the boys, gramma, and myself, as daddy has to work late, now that he has 1 week until paternity leave, rather than 2) to the school carnival, but I was very tired and little brother was very cranky, still a little sick I think. I convinced Crichton to take gramma to the carnival. They both agreed.Then Canon wanted nothing but for mommy to rock him to sleep; a dangerous prospect at 5:30 in the evening, but c'est la vie! If he wakes up at 4 am, well, we'll cross that bridge when it crawls into the bed and hits us on the head with the remote control ("sooooooooosss!!!!!").
So now, I have some unexpected quiet "free" time. So I decided to do my homework. I read "The Angel Over the Right Shoulder" (and now you can too!) and I shall comment on it. It's about a Victorian (?) mother and how she overcomes her feelings that she, as a woman, cannot accomplish anything worthwhile, having to always deal with the needs of the children, husband, nanny, and kitchen help. Her husband tells her she just needs a system to organize it all and tells her to take a couple hours every day, just to do the things she needs to do for HER. My husband tells me I just need a routine. Like me, there are just too many variables to make things work out like husbands think they should.
I felt an incredible parallel between my own life experiences and the persona, though this was written 150+ years ago. I don't have problems getting my nanny to run to the butcher for steaks so the cook can prepare dinner (cuz I am the nanny and the kitchen help), nor does my husband wear clothes to work that need buttons or ironing or anything and when he does ask me to iron something on Sunday, I make him wish he hadn't (or I used to; I got better). Nevertheless, I often have to stuff that feeling like I'm not accomplishing anything FOR ME way down deep. Even knowing what I do is best for the kids and all that great and true stay-at-home rhetoric, it's like the ego part of my brain just wants me to put myself, my wants first, and will not be happy, even though the sacrifice is noble.
The persona's epiphany (see how my college English course jargon stuck!) comes as she dreams of a woman (who is of course, really herself), walking with children, and two angels record her deeds as she takes the children toward the light (Heaven, Nirvana, personal salvation, something like that). Sometimes she is more eager to get herself there and gives less attention to the children (the angel on the left records that, but blots it out with his tears when she amends her selfish actions). Every little trivial thing she does to help the children along toward the light is recorded by the angel on the right. Our persona realizes all she does (with the help of a nanny and cook) for her family amounts to a tremendous accomplishment. Thus she endures, happily ever after. Just like me.
It's all a trick of the mind, really, getting yourself to a place, as a mother, where you shut off your ego and allow yourself to enjoy the stage of life you're in. To enjoy the newness of the world as your child discovers it. It's a precious beautiful opportunity, not to be squandered or trivialized. I'm not saying a mother should never do things for herself, but everything we choose to do during our kids precious first 5 years that takes us away form them, should be carefully, carefully measured. Is it REALLY so important that I write a blog after breakfast? I like to take that time: Crichton is at school and CAnon is content to watch "ssooooosssss!" But, I need to teach him to finger paint and catch bugs and sing. So, here we go, as of NOW I'm giving that up. I can blog when my babies are sleeping and that's when I should do it (he's sleeping now, so, no guilt!).
I'm not sure what I should have gotten out of this practically ancient look at motherhood, but I think it is perfectly applicable for mothers today. So thank you for the suggestion to read it. I often feel my desire for more personal enrichment is just wrong -- it's good to know that my gripe is neither new nor unique, but it also lifts me a bit, to remember how I am guiding and directing my children's lives, giving them the love and encouragement we all need. Mothers so easily forget how very important their role is, and their attitude. I think it is not enough to simply stay at home, cook, and clean, watch the kids play, make sure no one gets hurt or behaves rudely. "WHAT?!" you say, "You expect MORE?!!" Yeah, I say moms have to genuinely enjoy doing it, too. We have to want to be there and let our kids know we really enjoy spending our time with them.
I'll be seriously working on that. Let you know how it goes ... after they go to sleep, that is.
1 Brilliant Bits of Inspiration:
I'm glad you were able to read it. I just thought it was applicable to the conversation. Of course, there isn't any reading that's right or wrong.
It's an important early American text that appreciates the work mothers do and their love. I know that my own mother's love has meant a great deal to me in my life.
I do feel Phelps is a little hard on herself. I agree that when people have children they should be the priority, no question, but I also really think every mom (even if she is the primary caregiver) still needs to keep something for herself, such as writing, reading, or gardening (like my mom), etc. But I can only look at the question from the perspective of a daughter and not a mother. I guess honestly I do feel anxiety about it as someone who would like to be a mother someday.
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