I've doen exquisitely well in not blogging while my kids are awake, but less well at posting daily on nights when it is my turn to bed the kids to sleep. Some parents put the kids in bed and leave, then get increasingly angry as the kids get up and whine and feel left out and such. Greg and I have a different method, now, our method takes much more time up front, but has huge payoffs in the years ahead. First we have a routine - at its most basic, the routine is pj's, prayers, and music, then sleep. Sometimes it's more elaborate: family scriptures and family prayers, bath, teeth brushing, lotion slathering, pj's, stories, prayers, music, and sleep. The tricky part is, one of us stays in the room with the kids until the youngest is asleep. It takes anywhere from 10 minutes to 2 hours, usually about 30-45 minutes, depending on the day's circumstances (did mommy let Canon take a nap?).
Why, so much time and trouble? Crichton didn't start learning how to sleep in his own room until around 2 and it took until 3 or so to really get it down. BUT by 4 or 5, we'd do the routine and be able to walk out if his room, him completely awake, but secure in the next phase (to go to sleep). He would only get up if he needed a drink or the occasional bedtime snack or potty. Then, he'd grab a quick hug and put himself right back to bed. MAGICAL! ASTONISHING!
So, we're hoping for similar results as Canon gets a smidge older. Bedtime should never never be a fight. Sleep is a vital part of our existence, I want my kids to know it is a natural and predictable cycle, nothing to get upset or crazy about. We think that if we work hard when they are young to give our kids a sure knowledge that bed is safe and you just lay down, relax and fall asleep, well, ours won't be the sleep deprived kids struggling to stay awake during tests. And it is heaven HEAVEN to be staying at your in-laws home, be able to put your kids done and be done within 10-15 minutes and reletively sure they will stay in bed. It reduces the number of times you scream profanities at your spouse in the garage.
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Maybe you've heard, maybe not ... freaking tomorrow morning I am going to have my sweet little daughter cut from the warm, dark paradise that is my womb. To-freaking-morrow at this time she will be breathing actual air, attempting to suck sustenance from my breasts, and probably wearing a dorky little hat. I will know her hair color. I might even know her name. The mother-daughter relationship will begin ... I am SO nervous and excited.
Still SO much to do. Like blog, y'know how it is.
We got the car seat yesterday.
I need to do a metric tonne of laundry, clean the bathrooms and my bedroom ... oh, and Greg is taking me to a movie this afternoon. I keep thinking it's Friday and it's making me crazy (er).
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Can I say, because it's making me crazy, that if you know of a family where there are too many pets in the home and it's a stinking filthy fecal matter mess, please call Child Protective Services. I grew up (well, from 12 til I moved out at 17) in such a bio-hazardous disaster and sometimes I think about how many people knew about the situation and left me in it. Sure, I loved my parents, but my living conditions were neglectful to the point of abuse and someone should have done something. SO, if you know of a situation (as seen on Oprah), call.
That comes in retaliation to my mother having the balls to criticize me for leaving a dirty diaper on the floor. I am not a good housecleaner, it is true, and my husband, he tends to turn a blind eye to things sometimes. Occasionally, dirty diapers may sit untouched for an entire day. I know, its gross, but that's how it is.
Twice now, my mom has come along, seen a diaper and said, "Oh a dirty diaper, that's just my pet peeve, I can't stand to have dirty diapers lying around, I'm not going to SAY anything, just pick it up, but it just bothers me to see dirty diapers lying around." At times like that I must bite my oh-so-sharp tongue. What wants to burst forth is, OH! Dirty diapers bug you? Dog crap everywhere everyday is fine, but a 5 minute old wet diaper is just too much? Dogs peeing on the beds is okay, making your children's first chore of the day be to dispose of all the shite in the kitchen garbage is tolerable, but my baby's diaper makes you uncomfortable? And I ought not write such things, but who cares. She also doddles from room to room, making little piles out of the families general chaos because she's not sure what is garbage and what isn't, what goes where exactly. She says, "I just can't stand the clutter." Where was that attitude when I was growing up? Why didn't the overflowing ashtrays bug her? What about the 3 foot stack of laundry on top of the dryer that NEVER got put away? When my dad died, Greg and I got the glorious job of trying to empty out their house ... we rented a big ole metal dumpster, but soon realized this was an impossible task. We ended up just trying to get out the stuff of any worth and let the rest lie. There was a dead cat in the basement, a very very dead cat. No one had done anything, maybe they hadn't noticed. To this day, my mom will ask about things she left in the house, or see something we kept (my dad's doll collection - yeah, he was a strange guy, his sword collection, knick knacks I liked) and tell us (very loudly) how much those things are worth. I always want to smart back with "If they were worth so much, how come I had to dig them out of a pile of trash and poop?"
Yeah, so I have a difficult relationship with my mom. And really can't take even the tiniest hint of criticism from her. I'm working really hard on being able to say in my mind that I love her. I can say it out loud, but I don't yet feel it. Service, they say, helps you love those that you serve. And I know how I feel about my kids and assume she feels something like that towards me ... I'm just not there yet.
THUS I have put SO much pressure on my self to have a glorious relationship with my kids, especially my soon to be birthed (nervous inhale) daughter. I expect a few more posts before I go to the hospital, but if you'd like to comment on how to be a perfect mom , how to develop the perfect mother-daughter relationship, or how to love your own mom as an adult, I'd LOVE the advice.
no time for spell check, editing or pictures, too much to do.
5 Brilliant Bits of Inspiration:
Brandy you are an amazing mom and your kids know it. Your little girl in your belly waiting to come out knows it. By the way you live your life and leading by example you show your kids love. Every mom has different ways of parenting and even though I'm not a mom I really don't think that there is a perfect mom, just like there isn't a perfect spouse. It's not perfection it's putting forth the effort to reach it. We know we wont reach that here on earth and your kids don't expect that. I have had different experiences with my mom and have struggled to feel love for her in my adult life also. Different reasons, but I did feel neglected at times when she was so drugged up that my older sister had to make her pull over and call my dad from work because she was too drugged to drive like a normal person. Or more recent experience with my dad, and my mom was so drugged she couldn't get herself together to go see him in ICU. It's hard because we expect our moms to be our rock. I have come to terms with the fact that my mom has issues and I can't change her and this is something she has to change, but I love her for my life, for the heart and soul that she has given me. Pray! It has been a process for me over ten years this has been going on,and it will be for who knows how long, but keep trying. She was sent to this earth for the same purpose as you and me. Be her example and love as much as you can. I know I have had a hard time hugging my mom before when she is so out of it she didn't even know my name, but I wanted her to know that I still love her just like Heavenly Father still loves us when we aren't the best to. Love ya can't wait to see baby girl and we have been praying for you guys that everything will be wonderful and happy and she will be healthy and happy.
Best of well wishes for the big day tomorrow.
Oh Brandy....I don't even know what to say about the criticism from your Mom other than it's just not right. No, it actually hurts my heart (to borrow a phrase from dear Tammy). After you took her in. I just watched this documentary called It Was a Wonderful Lie about hidden homeless' women. It sounds like you have literally saved her from that. She should be grateful, helpful, and noncritical.
I honestly don't know what to say to have a better relationship with your mom. My own mom criticizes me right and left--her favorite barb is to tell me how I can't ever complete a sentence or a thought...when I have genuinely not slept through the night in 2 years (6-7 hours is my personal best). I have also heard repeated criticism about my method of sleep time, which is quite similar to tours. I have even had her complain about my clothes, hair, feet (I needed a pedicure, she said), and even the way I walk. I have a limited ability to tune her out.
You know it's really terrible that your mom says what she does. It really damages your self-esteem (which in my case I am still working on) to hear such crap. It also eats away at any trust you have in her. No mother should ever do that to her daughter.
It also makes me really angry to hear that she is so (hypo)critical of a darn pee diaper on the floor. If she really wanted to be helpful and kind, she should have just picked it up and really note said anything. I once found one under the bed--I had no idea how long it was there. In the long run, so what? That's what happens sometimes when you have a kid (and in your case 3!) What you will remember for a long time is the criticism, not the stupid diaper. From what I have seen on playdates (they are a new phenomenon to me), that's very very minor. Most houses with children are just a mess. But know that it does NOT make you a bad mother. Not in the least. The dead cat turns my stomach--it's lucky you (and your brother) were able to emerge healthy and without serious disease from your parents.
I don't know what to say to reach forgiveness. If your mother is the type that would be willing to have a talk where you gently tell her that you do not appreciate her criticism, by all means have it. My mother is waaaayyy too histrionic to have that talk. I do have a recommend for how to deal with your mom. I know you have no time and you are headed for an exhaustion that I cannot comprehend, but the book 'How to Deal With People You Can't Stand' was really helpful for me. It gives you concrete strategies of what to say in specific situations to deflect these people. It helped more than a few years of therapy.
Since I am fairly new to being a mom myself, I can only tell you that for my little girl I try to just let her be herself and to love her no matter what. But I'm sure you already know that.
Sorry for the long post.
Congratulations on the arrival of your little girl!
Happy birthday little one. Happy birthday big one. Happy birthday everyone!
HI Brandy! You are an amazing mother and a truly amazing, kind and unique person. You have had some loss and sadness in your life but you have found so many ways to love and care despite all of that. Many people are hardened, or they simply surrender, to such experiences. You have not done that. You have remained alert, inquisitive and heck, you've had a great sense of humor and faith about it all. THAT is incredible!
That being said, your concerns about being a good mother demonstrate how good of a mother you are and will be to your little girl. Questioning yourself means you'll check yourself and that can be a GOOD thing as long as it is balanced with some good old confidence, which you also have.
I feel very blessed with a very close relationship to my mom, but it wasn't always so. We fought a lot while I was growing up adn I found her really irritating and meddlesome. Once, she even read my diaries! However, I was also a pretty tough teenager and probably a horror to raise. Anyway, my mom really tried though. She tried, she communicated, she encouraged and when necessary, she also apologized. I think that is so meaningful to kids, to have a trusted adult say "Whoah, I made a mistake. I'm really sorry."
One of the best things my mom did was encourage me to really pursue things I want to do, and not just say I want to do them. That has really stuck with me. I think, in a lot of ways, she really tried to show me that I could do things differently that she did, which I suppose is why I am 30 and not yet married or w/ kids. In my case, that is really good because if I'd had kids with any of my former boyfriends it would have been pretty tough on all of us.
Anyway- that's what I say about being a good mom to a daughter. As for loving my mom- when she really pisses me off I think "whoah, is this a quality I might have deep down there somewhere?" and then just sit with it. I think of all the things I say, do or just think, that are not the best decisions or the most stellar ways to roll through the world and I sit with it.
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