With Nothing To Say

I have to say something ... just not thinking of much intersting or fit to share, short of complaining about my mother. So I guess I'll go there. She sure has taken the heat off my annoying cute husband though. He seems a lot cuter and funnier and nicer and more helpful. So that's good.

I've just never never had the relationship I want with my mom. And I have terrible jealousy when other women have a beautiful friendship with their mothers. And I have heart breaking sympathy, nay, empathy with women whose moms never quite fit the mental picture.

I mean, sure, I'm not going to fit the perfect mental image my kids have; the older they get, the more clearly they will see my imperfections. But I have a little girl in me now, and I so so so want, more than anything in the world, to be the mom for her I wish I had ... I want to be strong and intelligent and fit and funny, but not embarrassing. When she is having her first child I want her to want me there, not being grateful hospital policy only allows one "helper." I want her to seek me first when she has a question about any random general thing life throws at her. I want us to be comfortable together, to laugh together ... see I want all this, but I worry that I don't know how to make it happen. That I just don't know how to have a strong mother daughter relationship.

Mine is based on obligation. My sense of duty - her husband and all other children are dead. She has very very loose connections to her own family (unless she needs help, she's pretty loose with us, too). There is no mutual respect. Despite all I do and have done, she sees me as a child, treats me as an inferior. At Toys R US (here's a helpful note, if you don't want to be with someone, don't ask if they'd like to come) she would repeat everything I said to my children, but in a voice of ultimate authority, as though I was giving them suggestions and she was the one who could get them to act. I lost my temper a bit, told her to stop repeating everything I say to my kids. It hurt her feelings, of course, and she gave me the silent treatment until dinner ... and I tried frantically to find my center, deep breathes, clear thoughts ... no use. And I see her as a weak and foolish woman who lets people into her life, abuse her and leave her unable to care for herself. And she lies - I think maybe its one of those chronic, pathological, if you can lie you do just to do it things. But it's annoying, to say the least. So how can I trust and respect her? And how do you love someone you don't respect and can't trust? The answer is you really really can't. But if that person has an important title and did get you through to adulthood and you are a good and stupid person ... Duty and Obligation are the next best thing.

ALright. Enough complaining and whining. There are fridges to clean, pantries to organize, spice racks to alphabetize.

GOOD LUCK KATE! PUSH!!