If I only

So, I've thought about it, if I only had 12 months of life or so, what would I do, what would I do differently, what would I regret not doing. Hard questions on my tender heart.

I don't think there is so much what I would do, mostly just how, and I'll try to start doing them now, y'know, just in case.

* I'd treat everyone like an old friend. Just let go of the awkward, stranger politness and discomfort and pretend I've known then forever, because probably, I have.

* Pay attention and appreciate my children and husband for the amazing adorable people they are. Get down on the floor and BE with my children. Snuggle close in bed and BE with the love of my life.

* Get the things I really like when I get groceries: pineapples, pomagranites, watermelons, raspberries, baby spinich, aspearagas, kiwi fruit, lots of pears; things I really want but tell myself they're too expensive and unnecessary.

* Thank God for the day and mean it.

* I'd like to go see the ocean again, somewhere warm and beautiful, and watch my kids play in the sand and waves, hold my husband's hand.

* I wouldn't worry about getting a flattop range anymore, or a fridge with a water dispenser in the door; I'd make do with the stuff I have and enjoy it.

* I'd still like to get the backyard done all fun and awesome.

* I'd get that degree finished.

*I'd probably read more scriptures, pray more, go to the temple more, cry late at night a lot. Probably in the middle of the day, too. Hopefully I could let myself be happy, too, in fact, the motto of today has been "choose to be happy."

* I'd do everything in my power to make my kids remember me, to build memories, do interesting and traditional things, and make records of it all, so when they need me, even though I'm not there, they can still have me in some small way. I'd write them letters for all the big moments, to open when they get there and know I'm there, too.

I'd regret not being there for my kids. Not being able to read them the books I've been waiting to read to them, not watching them grow up, not helping them memorize spelling test or historical facts. I'd regret not being able to hold my husband, put my cold feet on him, kiss him. I used to tell Greg not to remarry if I die, but I'd want my babies to have a nice sweet mother, so if he can find one of those, then it's okay. I'd regret not seeing the grandchildren, the creatures my creatures make and seeing them be daddies and mommy ... I'd miss all the hugs I would have given them, all the secret "I love you's" I'd whisper in their ears, the late night talks, the early morning snuggles.

So I had better make sure I hold on tight and savor these moments I do get and cherish them, rather I have 70 more years or 7 more minutes.

K - now to go get on the floor and BE with those guys.