You can always tell when I'm procrastinating, when I have plenty of time and blog rather than accomplish my goals.Today I happened over to a blog entry about violence and toys and such ... several women said they don't allow guns or violent type toys. I used to be that kind of mom. I tried to convince myself that even though I limited their access to certain types of toys, it was good for them and they'd be better people for it (I'm still struggling with the impending girl-child and Barbies and such). Then we moved to a neighborhood with 20 active kids who played together very well in the safety of the cul-de-sac. Their favorite game at the time was Star Wars. My kid was 4 and had never heard of Star Wars (those were the days...) but very soon he was begging for his very own light saber. Light sabers seemed okay, not so distantly violent - sometimes fingers got smashed trying to battle others. We got a blue one and he was happy became some other kids padawon apprentice thing.
Fast forward about 2 years, now we are the proud stewards of 6 light sabers in a variety of colors, several pirate and dueling swords, a few guns, and most of the play my kids engage in is of a violent nature. I have boy children ... my husband says it's normal. I stopped being concerned ... well, until today, when I allowed my mind to reflect a bit.
There has been so much in the news, with school shootings, mall shootings, college shootings ... sad little boys who have given up on their lives and want to take some innocents out with them. The news reports don't talk about these kids' childhoods. I am very interested in that though. Were these kids who's mommies stayed home with them in early childhood, tucked them in every night, hugged them and loved them and praised them a million times a day? Or we these day care graduates whose moms worked late, left them with the alcoholic live in boyfriends, and brought home burgers every night? It would make me feel a lot better if I KNEW knew ... do moms make any difference? Or does a childhood of violent imaginary play groom boys for mass murder, regardless of how many hugs they get?
Oh, and that takes me back to my word, schizophrenogenic. That's a term psychologists would throw at mothers of schizophrenic children: it's your fault, you did this to him, you weren't loving and warm and attentive enough, you over-dominated him and his father; now he's crazy, listening to voices in his head and it's mostly your fault. They don't say that anymore. Psychology has progressed enough to see that schizophrenia has several causes: genetics, head trauma, etc., but environment isn't necessarily one them.
I guess I'm trying to argue both sides because I fear one is true but hope the other is (Wizard's First Rule). Or maybe I just want all the bad stuff I do as a mom to have no effect and all the good stuff I do to have great effect, when, in reality, both good and bad have some effect.
Maybe the real problem with school shootings and such is the mental health industry. Maybe parents are ignorant or ashamed that their kids "display symptoms" and avoid the issue entirely. Perhaps teachers with concerns about behavior are pish-poshed. Children tend to avoid kids with problems, they know when something isn't quite right and these kids have a hard time making friends, except with other "problem" children. Ahh, the assigning of blame...
There was a bill in Utah recently, that wanted to grant a bunch of money to studying the earthquake readiness of Utah schools. The bill was shot down. Evidentally, our legislature thinks these mountains appeared by the word of God and not plate tectonics. Today, there was an earthquake in NV and a school was damaged, but no kids, fortunately. Why is it always the way? We want to ignore that there is a problem, no matter how obvious it is, because the solution might be expensive or time-consuming. We wait and hold our breaths, but the truth is there, lurking, and it will come out.
Rather earthquakes or unstable children, why do we wait to help until people have been hurt?
I just finished reading my kids Where The Red Fern Grows. It has lots of violence and death ... but with heart and compassion. No, I don't think playing with swords and guns makes little boys go crazy and kill people. I have to believe a loving home and moral guidance, observant parents who get their gets professional help if needed, can make all the difference.
BUT just in case I'm wrong, we will be doing an art project instead of a gun fight today.
Good heavens, does a mom ever get wise enough to trust herself?
2 Brilliant Bits of Inspiration:
Hey Brandy. I'm glad you are thinking about this. I work with mentally ill children every day in a behavior stabilization program. They live here. It is my job to direct their therapeutic treatment and to conduct assessments to help udnerstand their presenting behaviors and make recommendatios for future treatment/ placement. We do not have the kids play with gun toys. Nor do they watch TV with any kind of adult content. We are very strict, just one little step down from a psychiatric hospital really. However, I think it helps for the time they are here.
Many of the kids here have violent and out of control behaviors. None of them come from loving and caring homes. While there are certainly genetic predispositions to mental illness, I think it really takes a certain type of environment for many illness to bloom. Loving mothers always help. It is the hardest job of all, and unfortunately, one that many take on with little support or knowledge of how to do one.
From what I've witnessed doing this work, trauma, violence and abuse runs in cycles. So does love, knowledge and education. It's just stopping a negative cycle and trying to start a more positive one that it REALLY REALLy hard.
I know you are a good mom. Balancing a little bit of star wars play wiht some art projects and lots of love is probably a-okay. Besides, I used to burn my barbie doll's hair when I was a kid and I ended up ok.
Ahh, you said I'm a good mom. No higher compliment!
You know that line from the movie Hook (I think) little girl talking about Captain Hook, "He just needs a mother to love him." Or something to that effect. I hope love is enough. I wish to God all kids had it. More than the question, "Why does God let children die," I wonder, "Why does God let them be born into abusive homes." There are things worse then death. Deep down, I know it has to do with not infringing on our right to choose ... but every time they report on some parent (or live-in boyfriend) who has abused, neglected, or killed the child ... well, it just reinforces my hope in justice, if not here, hereafter.
And then again, like you said, they are probably part of some greater, terrible cycle of abuse and neglect themselves. People having children when they are single, in hopeless relationships, too young and ill-prepared, being counseled to raise the kid themselves, a step above sucking it down a drain.
There is a better way and the results are pretty clear ... too bad American society prefers telling women how unfulfilling motherhood is, how it limits our potential. Perhaps that is true when you're 16 and you keep your baby, but not when your 25+ and have made an informed choice to be a mom. I picked a career; sure it's got really long hours and no taxable pay, but my kids will have a mom who is focused on them. When I "retire," my body of work will be a family. Today, with McDonald's in my tummy and paint on my clothes, after having a mud puddle jumping contest and giving a middle of the day bath ... today I am content with my job. Now to bake some frozen pizza ... you work hard in some areas, others slip a little.
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