Customer Service Desk - take 2 prozac and have a seat

Holy Freakin' Crap!

Okay, I knew I was partly to blame, but honestly, where do they find these people and why to they always promote them to management positions? It's funny when it's The Office. It freaking sucks when it's your life and you have to deal with a manager from Suckville.

Breathe. Let's go back a little.

I have wanted one of those Homedics brand Shiatazu back massager doohickies since first I ever sat down in a department store demo model. And for Christmas this year I GOT ONE from my darling in-laws (kissing butt across the intertubes). They included a handy dandy gift receipt (so popular in these whiny, never satisfied times) in case I wanted to return it and get something else. I was so sure I did NOT want to return it, I put the gift receipt in with the pile of wrapping paper and boxes to be thrown out promptly, thus exposing myself to the sick and twisted sense of humor of the universe.

Oh, the many sessions of painful pleasure I enjoyed. Until one day, a few weeks ago, I plugged my baby in, turned it to full back mode, clicked on the heat and ....phlapt .... nothing. I thought I may have shorted the outlet, but no, nothing was tripped. I tried several other outlets, all to no avail. It was broken. Muchness of weeping and wailing and oh-my-aching-PREGNANT-backing (and I am not going to check to make sure it's okay for pregnant women to use the things ... I couldn't bear to know if it's not).

After much procrastination, I finally took it back to my neighborhood JC Penney. Perhaps if I use the actual stores actual name, someone in charge - out in Dallas, where the managers roam free from customers, waiting for store emergencies - will be made aware and do something. Like explain the definition of "customer service" to their employees, especially those who's name tags proclaim MANAGER in neatly typed letters right below their names

Our adventure begins: we waited in the first customer service line we came to for about 10 minutes and got to Miss E., whose name tag said "In-Training." This young lady was very polite, she even greeted us with a smile, and was genuinely upset that she was unable to help us with our defective electronic exchange. Behind her was a fellow employee who brusquely informed us this store doesn't carry my product and I'd have to go upstairs to Catalog to be helped.

Okie Dokie. Upstairs we went (we, being my husband dear and me as it is never safe nor prudent to send a pregnant woman alone on this kind of mission, where an aching pregnant back hangs in the balance).

In Catalog, we found the lovely Miss H., who was clearly unsatisfied with her current station in life. Just as we approached the counter, a mature woman and a group of her contemporaries were exiting to the parking lot. Miss H. asked the woman if she was leaving.

"Yes," was the reply.

"Who's manager then?"

"Ms. E," she called back just as the door closed.

"Ms. E's on lunch," the girl mumbled, sighed, and looked in our direction, uncertainly.

To make a painfully long story somewhat, hopefully tolerable, Ms. P (the manager who had left, but who miraculously returned to "help" us) informed us that they didn't carry our product at this location, couldn't find it in the system, even on-line, and since I had no receipt, no box, and no UPC code, they couldn't help us. Perhaps, they suggested, we could mosey on down to the Riverdale location, perhaps we'd have better luck. Then they gave us that look: the "I'm done with you folks, now move along" look.

BUT I was not a satisfied customer. AND the customer is always right.

"Could YOU call the Riverdale location," I asked, smiling sweetly, "And ask their manager if they have the product. Perhaps they could give you a code?"

"All the managers are in Dallas," was the oh-so-logical answer she gave to get me to MOVE ALONG. WTF? As if I'm stupid and will believe that there are no store managers in Riverdale because they are in DALLAS? TEXAS?

"Can you call the managers in Dallas," I asked in my "stop telling me you can't help me" voice.

"No, only if there's a store emergency."

Well, okay then, guess I'll not be shopping at JC Penney again. I was out of suggestions and they clearly were not eager to help me. Is this their store policy? Continuously tell the customer how they can not be helped?

Then, my brilliant husband remembered his parents, way down in sunny AZ, had their original receipt still and was able to get the magic numbers from them ("Don't return it at full price," the manager reminded her associate, "No on ever pays full price!"), a gift card was issued at the "30 day lowest price" - which was the price my in-laws originally paid anyway - and we went merrily on our way. We paused to buy some pants for husband (he's quite picky) and 5 purple newborn GIRL onsies on our way out. Our cashier, Mr. J, seemed to be suffering severe and debilitating depression.

So, all is resolved, we live and learn, however, the prospect of going anywhere near a JC Penney to USE my hard-won gift card, even for my beloved Shiatzu back massager is about as appealing as a bikini wax.

Either everyone at that store had had their puppies killed AND been informed that their wages were going to be cut in half (and even so...) or this was the best example of poor customer service I have experienced since the last time I went to the mall. Good heavens, does it kill you to smile and try to help the people who make it possible for you to feed your families? You're in retail, for crying out loud, at least you don't go home every night smelling of grease and onions. Yeah, it sucks, but the suckiness of it all should be enough to encourage you to go to college and get an education and become a professional and get a job you could love.

Lessons gleaned:

1. Save the gift receipt, even if I want the thing, at least until the manufacturer warranty expires.

2. Avoid shopping at JC Penney if I'd like to have a pleasant experience.

3. Keep husband, he's quite useful on so many levels.

4. If I ever go into retail again, be pleasant to each and every customer.

5. Blogging makes you feel better - now the world knows, JC Penney manager people. You can't hide away in Dallas anymore!

6. Catalog is spelled c-a-t-a-l-o-g not catalogue.