Homer: The Dead, Half-Metamorphisized Frogpole

Homer was an epic poet. Author of the Iliad and the Odyssey. Blind, they say.

Homer is also a doughnut eating nuclear plant safety inspector.

Homer was also the name of our beloved little tadpole. Given to us for free, as a "science experiment" at our friendly neighborhood Pet Smart, we watched eagerly as he changed from a "fishy guy" to a "froggy looking guy."

"LOOK! He has froggy eyes now ... and little tiny legs are growing!"

"I think Homer wants to hop!"

"I FED HOMER!" "WHAT?! I FED HOMER!!" I also fed Homer.

Last night, we discovered that Homer had croaked.

(What?! Like I could write a blog post about a deceased amphibian and not.)

When I was an adolescent, I had this knowledge inside of me that I was going to die by the time I was 18. And die a virgin.

At 31, mother of three, now I feel like I have my whole life ahead of me. So much I want to do and see. There is a whole big world out there, people tell me. There are museums with the real live Great Art that I have been oogling mere pictures of my whole life.

Books. I have volumes of books to write for you. And not just silly blog posts. Children's stories about true friendship and Young Adult stories about alien invasions and the responsibility that comes with leadership. Erotic romance novels. Twisty, silly mysteries. I have this idea for an adult kind of spoof on a Choose Your Own Adventure Book ......

I want to have you over for dinner. Seriously. I love having people over, feeding them, chit chatting. PLAYING CHARADES!! I had the hardest time finding ANYONE to help me eat this funeral for a frog feast! (maybe you've heard about my charades ...) Truly. You'd think it was Shepherd's Pie I'm was trying to serve, rather than the glazed ham, funeral potatoes (to get fat and DIE for), snow peas, olives, homemade rolls. I love cooking. I do. And I'm not terrible. I just get frustrated when I cook lovely things and my kids say, "GROSS!" and my husband says, "I'll just grab a burrito when I get off tonight." (Tho Rancharito's does have the best bean burritos in the Known Universe.

So much to see and do.

GO GOATEE!

So Greg thinks that just because he CAN grow a beard, he SHOULD.

Boys are so stupid.

BUT ... I made him an offer he didn't want to refuse.

And he shaved.

I'm just saying.

And today it snowed and I thought how his cute little cheeks must be oh so cold ... I'm such a terrible, mean, and manipulative wife ... thoughtless and cruel.

But I really do think he looks cuter with a goatee.

Karen Loves ME!!

Hey! I sold my first T-shirt!!

Whose the bestest? KAREN

As far as I know, she is the only person in the entire world with this amazing shirt.

She said, "The shipping was super fast and the shirt is great (and NO I will not send pics of the panties)".

Now I have to buy one!

And you should, too!!!

The Mysterious Mrs. B. Roth's Amazing T-Shirt Store!

A New Tradition

Holiday traditions are important, but they should be significant and fun; not trite.

One tradition I looked forward to as a child, was getting to open one present before going to bed on Christmas eve. BUT that present was always pajamas and I was always disappointed (you, too?).

Because I so fondly remember the thrill of being allow to open one gift early, I want to give each of my amazing children (and my beloved husband) not just an new pair of pajamas for Christmas, I want to give them a new book with a pair of pajamas for Christmas. Pajamas ARE kind of a lame gift on their own, but if combined with a carefully chosen book ... yes, I think this will be the tradition I want the kids to talk about when they are adults.

Also, I think I want to MAKE the pajamas. Maybe the boys and dad can have one color and me a Sagan can have pink. And (it's very cold today) I'm thinking fleece. Cozy soft. I used to say polyester was the fabric of the Gods, but now I think it's fleece.

And I should made a family quilt, with all the important events of 2009 hand embroidered into the squares.

And I should learn how to make Grandma Anderson's Cathedral Cookie, which weren't really cookies, but had multi-colored marshmallows. And chocolate. I haven't have them in about a decade, but I want some.

And I don't care how cheesy it looks, the kids love making the ornaments and decorations. You, you can have your matchy matchy perfect holiday themed house of perfect decor ... We're going with homemade Christmas decorations - Dollar Store glue and glitter, here I come! (I don't need China to set up a child labor exploiting sweat shop; I have a kitchen table!!!) (And y'know ... if you're buying a bunch of fancy decorations "Made in China", shame on you in so many ways).

(HEY! No getting all political and hoity toity, Missy. This is a nice sweet Christmasy post about traditions.)

Also, FYI, I hide under my bed on Black Friday. It is evil. But good luck to you!

Turkey Day in T-5 days :)

Real Plastic

Women are such stupid consumers.

You're ugly and stinky and God was crazy when He put you together: all the wrong colors and shapes. BUY MY PRODUCT and you will be happy.

Ok, sir. My husband says I'm hot, but you are probably right. Here's my credit card.

*****

I confess: I fell off the no-make-up band wagon when I did my play. I even added eyeliner to my daily must haves. I have three colors of eyeliner: black, khaki, and brown.

But my baby girl is 18 months old and she's never had her toenails painted. Also, I have not mutilated her lovely ears. I mutilated mine 5 times. But I rarely dangle jewels from my lobes.

Dangit, but I have been bleaching my teeth. Of course, they were white to begin with.

It's okay to try to make things look like themselves, right?

I've never tanned. Well, not intentionally. I try to remember heavy duty sunscreen. I put it on my beautiful kids. Most of the time.

I think my toenails and finger nails look BETTER with out a layer of acrylic and lacquer. Though I should stop biting my finger nails ... they are just so tasty, right?

I pluck my eyebrows. And it hurts. I also occasionally (don't tell anyone) remove hair from places on my face that are not my eyebrows. Why am I ashamed of the cute peach fuzz on my cheeks? Will I ever have the courage to let my mustache grow?

Mascara looks awful. Like chunky spider legs attached to my eyes.

And I like heels. I really do. Mmmm, strappy black heels. Make your feet look ... so dainty and you tippy toe around like a pretty ballarina. Heels are nice.

But mostly I am barefoot. And I think my feet are lovely. I bet you can't even tell which is the foot model and which is my feet, can you?




When I grow up, I want to be Adalaide Brook. She's so strong and smart. And pretty. Tho, actually, she was born in 1999 ...

This actress, Lindsey Duncan, will be 60 next year. You probably remember her from her part in Star Wars the Phantom Menace. Right? The voice of TC-14 ... ahh, who could forget?

We never see women look like this on American TV.

And I'd love to write more and edit more and go on and on ... but there are small people to feed. Whiny whiny small people. Who always want food.

You Need To Know This

It is not two weeks post Halloween and we're out of candy.

I ate most of it.

Mmmm. I love candy.

*****

I think the kids are finally asleep and I am going to run on the treadmill to work off the aforementioned ummy yummy goodness.

*****

I masticated 12 frosted animal cookies and imbibed a coke zero before writing this.

*****

Why, yes, Greg has been working late this week. But he did buy me a big fat tasty pizza which I will eat cold either while waiting for my mud mask to dry or as my crusty feet soften up for a pedicure. Mmmmmm Pizza.

*****

I liked Eric Snider's post. But I liked the pictures even more. Down the Road, not across the street ... such good advice really.

*****

I really do wish I could see into the future. And read minds. Flying is stupid.

*****

I worry about my favorite Lesbian blogger. I can never, never comment there, but I often want to. I just don't think the world it as negative and shunning as she sees it. I think you see what you are looking for.

*****

I've come up with the "Next Big Thing" - it's a t shirt that says "I Am Here Ironically". Useful, right? I would wear it to New Moon, if I had anyone to go with *sniff sniff*.

How many and what size? I totally set up an online T-Shirt business for this! Buy one, I'm gonna!

Star Wars, The Funny Wars

This time Crichton made a movie all on his own. No help with the directing, filming, editing, or producing. 100% Crichtonfilms.

Then he begged for me to put it up here on my blog. FOR YOU! Because he wants to bring joy and happiness into your lives. He's a good boy, that one. Even if he is a Mommy Blog Hijacker.

Here you are:



What did you think?

Spewing Forth

I'm in a mood.

If you go into Pandora and listen to "The Mountain Goats" station ... that the mood exactly. Mellow but angsty.

I bought Skull Candy earphones. I think they are defective; one makes a crispy sound. But I don't want to go back to the mall. So cold. So many people. Maybe I will be a hermit germophobe when I grow up.

Made tasty chicken quesadillas for dinner. With yellow and red peppers on the side. Because I am so very susceptible to suggestion.

What I eat, what I buy, what I listen to.

None of it was my idea.

I wanted lemonade for dinner. Yes, just lemonade. I had a big lunch.

I was thinking about some earmuff-like headphones. I just want to hear nothing but my music as I jog myself on the treadmill. I feel like an animal - like a gerbil on a wheel or a horse on those big turny things they walk horses around on.

I was in a rodeo once, did I ever tell you? I did the barrel race on a pony names Tea. Riding a horse, a well trained horse, is magic.

Greg said to pick out a movie and he'd take me for reals tonight. But again, with the cold and the people. I still want to see that 17 Again movie ...

Wristcutters, A Love Story is on the way from Netflix, but we saw it on instant ... I liked it.

Where the Wild Zombie Goat Men Are ... which movie to see ... I feel like thinking and talking instead.

I feel like hot cocoa and microwaved s'mores.

You should never LET your kids win, right? We all agree on that? Crichton got bored of chess today. I learned that the queen, not the stupid, useless, waste-of-plastic king, sits on HER color to start. He suggested the kings shake hands and be friends, so we packed it in and moved on to checkers. I beat him twice. It's not about winning; it's having fun playing together.

So help me, Pandora, I don't want to watch the new Ray Romano show on TNT ... even if it does have Quantum Leap Guy.

That was a good show, right? And then Al was the bad guy on Battle Star Galactica.

You know what else rocks? Fast Forward. Great TV.

And GLEE! Of course, Brandy love Glee ... but it is very good.

I love music.

I like Ewan. Let's go to the Goat Movie.

A Career In Stand-Up

How hard could it be? Right?

I mean, my Home Teacher does it (and we went and saw him live, too).

I've Googled how to do stand up. So I'm sure I know all I need to know, now.

I've got to have a few entertaining stories here on my over-a-thousand-posts blog. And some of you commenters: holy freaking funny cow. I know stealing is bad ... but it's my blog. Also, you don't mind if I "borrow" stuff from your blogs, do ya? If I can't think of my own jokes? I'll ask first, of course. Well, I won't really. But ... this is business. Don't take it personally.

Spastic, nerdy, stay-at-home, frisky, Mormon mom ... that could be funny, right?

Greg didn't go for the "Pajama Party" business (like Pampered Chef, but for sex toys); the Scrabble Escort Service business plan ("Strictly Scrabble, Sir" was going to be my motto); and I don't want a real job (I love my days filled with bon bons and soap operas - SO fulfilling).

What's the worst that could happen? People don't laugh at me? I've got the whole winter before I can try out for the play I wanna be in. I am highly motivated to get paid for doing something on stage (something that doesn't later need to be discussed with a Bishop or Disciplinary Council). Who know's ... this could be my big chance, my ticket to see the world.

You think I'm funny, right? (please, don't dash my dream-of-the-day)

Ewan is in the Goat Movie!!!

Greg offered to take me to a movie the other night (that was before it took an hour for McGrath's Fish House to make our food). I wanted to see Where the Wild Things Are. He wanted Zombieland, but was willing to "compromise" and see The Men Who Stare at Goats.

Men who ... wha? Let's just go eat.

Then, ERIC told me the stupid goat movie has Ewan McGreggor! MY EWAN!

So then I called Greg. But he was much too busy working to take my call. He has this groovy Google feature where I can leave a voice mail and they will transcribe it and send him an email of the message.

It's not very good, tho. And I love even more for it's flaws.

It thought I said:

Hey if they'd door. I we didn't tell me that that go movie. The name is area code. Have you and mcGregor it in. Hello Gregory, gosh account transcribe that. Google, You could answering machine.

But that doesn't make any sense, now does it?

What I really said was .... this.

(Assuming the link works. Which it probably won't. So I should translate for you)

"Hey you big dork, how come you didn't tell me that .. that ... goat movie .. uh .. The Men Who Stare At Goats? Has EWAN MCGREGGOR in it?! Hello! Gregory! Ahh, gosh! I can't ... grrr. Argg. Transcribe that Google stupid answering machine. Ugh."

Yeah. That's how I talk to my beloved spouse. Go me! Not even an, "I love you, miss you, come home soon, byee."

He thinks I'm cute tho.

(I say we all vote to spell "though" just "tho" it's cuter that way. And easier to sound out for kids. THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!)

Always Infinity

I like definitions. I do. Let me share a couple.

Definitions of period on the Web:

• time period: an amount of time; "a time period of 30 years"; "hastened the period of time of his recovery"; "Picasso's blue period"
• the interval taken to complete one cycle of a regularly repeating phenomenon
• (ice hockey) one of three divisions into which play is divided in hockey games
• a unit of geological time during which a system of rocks formed; "ganoid fishes swarmed during the earlier geological periods"
• the end or completion of something; "death put a period to his endeavors"; "a change soon put a period to my tranquility"
• menstruation: the monthly discharge of blood from the uterus of nonpregnant women from puberty to menopause; "the women were sickly and subject to excessive menstruation"; "a woman does not take the gout unless her menses be stopped"--Hippocrates; "the semen begins to appear in males and to be ...
• a punctuation mark (.) placed at the end of a declarative sentence to indicate a full stop or after abbreviations; "in England they call a period a stop"
  wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

Let's discuss the second from the last one.

No, I changed my mind, let's not. Blech.

Maybe a little.

Products are expensive. That's not fair. Shouldn't I get subsidized??

And they used to be available for a quarter in any public bathroom. Back in the day ....

That's not the case, as it turns out, so much anymore. I couldn't find one last week, so help me, Bob ... stupid ... grumble, grumble. Yes, we just LOVE being a girl!

And blood stains .... arg ... I don't know about you, but I HATE that. And if you're a nice Mormon girl ... with your nice white underwear, the femininnie hygiene product companies do NOT have you in mind when they design their little products ... here are some tips; useful for women and serial killers (double useful for female serial killers, but there's not too many of us ... er ... I mean, them). COLD WATER - see, my thinking was something like, blood flows at 98.6 in your body and congeals when it hits the cooler air. I guess that would be wrong. I'm so going to try the hydrogen peroxide one ... makes sense. Clorox Bleach totally let me down (tho it cleans my sink, toilet, and bathtub right nice!)Remember - if you dry stuff in the dryer, you don't get any second chances at stain fighting.

What?! This is not gross or inappropriate. It's freaking biology and science and junk. You have no idea! I certainly can not be the only one frustrated by the joys of womanhood.

Always Infinity is my new favorite girlie product. But that name really bugs me. Why "Always"?? And "Infinity"?? And those "Pearls" things? What the wha ... who's in charge over there? And, y'know, I'd really like a guarantee with those products! Yes, can you imagine ... a line of girls ... trying to prove that they deserve their money back ... hmmm. Maybe we've stepped into gross and inappropriate now.

At least I'm here and now ... poor women of previous generations. (I bow down to you; not even Midol ...) It could so be worse. Talk about a blue period ... (not funny, huh).

(Hey P & G - can I please get some financial support or free product for the completely unsolicited product placement on my highly rated blog? Please? I also love Pantene.)

I Hope You're Feeling Better Grandma Roth!

Where to start?

The health care system in the US sucks and we all know it.

Don't we all agree that sick people should get the best care possible, as soon as possible?

Do you like pulling your money and insurance card out before you can see a doctor when you have a sick kid late at night?

How are your grandparents doing? My beloved grandmother-in-law just had quadruple bi-pass surgery. Her husband had a hip replaced. Unless you have Gold-Plated Congressional Insurance, these things are very expensive. Not to mention the medicine afterwards.

Can you imagine if, like when you send your kids to school, your house catches on fire, or your naked 3 year old runs away and you have to call the police ... what if money and insurance were not an issue where health care is concerned?

At the very least, we all agree that for children, disabled, veterans, retired people - they deserve the very best health care and preventative care, right and for free?

And then I hear you sigh ... but HOW????

And I just don't understand why we can't take the best of Canada and UK and France and REALLY make it work? SHUT the health insurance companies down. You no longer get to make a profit off denying sick people help, okay? Go buy a casino. Raise my taxes. Do it now, and get my mom a root canal before she loses another tooth.

There is no need to be toothless!!!

Stop with the Socialism scare tactics about no-choice and oh it takes so long and all that muckity muck. STOP being so scared all the time. Be healthy and brave and informed. We have lots of socialized stuff and we LOVE IT (for the most part!!). There are things we need: we need to educate our kids; we need help if our house catches on fire or if some idiot needs arrested.

When we are sick, we need a doctor. Or a nurse. And medicine. It shouldn't be about money, it should be about taking CARE OF EACH OTHER!!!

It DOESN'T have to be one or the other, by the way. The biggest lie we like to believe is that all men are created equal. It's just false, and you know it! But we don't all have to succumb to the lowest denominator. Let those who want to - who can afford to - keep their fancy shmancy insurance cards ... get them in and out and out of our way faster. But ... this is AMERICA!!!! Please. PLEASE. Old people shouldn't be financially wiped out when their bodies start to fail them. Families should not go into severe debt when their kid gets cancer. WE CAN ALL TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER. No more fend for yourself.

If England can do it, we can do it! (that would be my health care plan motto)

Have some compassion. Stop being a greedy, stupid American. We have elected officials who we PAY to write good laws, to protect our rights. I am not sufficiently educated. AND I am busy raising my adorable family. YOU KNOW WHAT IS RIGHT. I don't see why we can't get there???

(Yeah ... I just watch Sicko, Michael Moore, and I think you should, too - it's not a perfect film, sure; plenty of the stats are loaded, but you will die of embarrassment when you see how it is in other hospitals in other countries. DIE. AMERICA is so much better than this - we can be SO SO SO much better - we need to take care of each other!)

And if someone could tell me what to DO ... who to write to and what to say ... I will.

Is It Too Late For Halloween Pictures? Yeah? I Can Do What I Want - Don't You Know Who I Am?

Greg and Brandy Roth are no good with taking pictures of important family moments. Also, Brandy herself is not the best at posting pictures of important family events and keeping out-of-state family members on top of our goings on (move closer, we miss you - there are several houses for sale on the block. The house across the street: REDUCED PRICE. It's blue, you love blue!)


See: isn't Utah awesome? This is the (somewhat picked over) Pumpkin Patch in Kaysville we went to on October 30th. The boys had a jolly time hunting down the perfect pumpkins to mangle.

Sagan got to ride the the pumpkin cart (careful, they flip!)

Those are the ones we went home with.

And that's what they looked like (you'll have to imagine them glowing eerily in the darkness (Halloween was 3 days ago). Crichton's is the middle on - it's a snakey looking guy. Canon's has a witch flying through it's mouth (maybe if you click on it and look closely ...)

This was Greg's inspiration. We got a family picture of us all dressed up for his work party. If we ever get them, I'll show you ... He was a "Steam Punk Mad Scientist."

Here's Cri modeling the Steam Punk goggles ... made from copper painted Gatorade lids.

Here are the boys posing in front of Greg's coworker - Giant Lego Man. I think they call him Mac. Mac McCann. (My husband might have been kidding)
Crichton is Capt'n Rex, a clone trooper.
Canon is a Jedi ... with a monkey shirt.

Sagan was R2D2 (with no hat), but she was my little ladybug on Halloween (and check out that cute Wall-E costume!! Handy!!)

And me - I was me with a mustache. Aren't I cute? It was really awful ... don't think about it, but the mustache was made from real human hair (not mine) and I tried to eat a hot dog and lots of candy and kept getting hair in my mouth (hair NOT mine).


There you go. Halloween with the Roths, just 3 days late.

Hey - I Won

Thanks, you guys. You're always so awesome and helpful! And that's what blogging is all about. (That and making my husband crazy spitting mad by writing about sex, finances, and embarrassing things about him).

Yeah - So I claim the title of Utah's Top Blogger. And like all things that take almost no effort, this really feels just golly gee swell.

If this kind of publicity keeps up, I might get 100 hits today! A girl can hope.

(Brandy is fighting a 2 day migraine. I'm sure, otherwise, I'd post videos of me cartwheeling)

(However, this headache might be some kind of slow acting poison or virus ... maybe Dooce is out to get me .. maybe she knows this award ought to be hers and she plans on knocking out her biggest rival.)

(I think I'll lay down now.)

Thank you Janita for giving me the heads up about this and thanks Nigel for adding me to the list and thanks to everyone who voted for me (several times). (He says maybe next year there will be prize money ... yeah ... NEXT YEAR ... can I have a candle or something at least? I'm all good for candy, but maybe ... a gift card for lotion? Winters here are pretty rough on my skin. Come on! Where's the local business sponsorship. Anyone out there wanna advertise on Utah's TOP Blog?? COME ON!!)

Just A Feeling

I recently started following a blog and I want to share it with you, my beloved readers, because I think quite a few of you can appreciate it.

Most simply put, it is the blog of a gay, devout, Mormon guy.

I wanted to follow it for a while, see how he often he posted, what his posts were like. It's a really good blog.

The thing about blogs: sometimes I read them as though they are great (or crappy) fiction and I forget they are real people's lives. This man's struggle with the dichotomy between his faith and sexuality is painfully beautiful to read.

If you are not a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, if you have no real experience with it (if your only connection is the Banner of Heaven) - it is very difficult to have a purely logical conversation about faith in the the church. We believe strongly in personal revelation. We study out concepts and take our theories, our questions, our interpretations to God. As for me, most times, there is no strong feeling of confirmation associated with my little ideas. BUT, there have been three, very strong moments. These would be times when I can not nor will not deny that I believe I felt the Holy Spirit testifying and verifying Truth to me. Not bizarre "Christ will return on your birthday" or "You should kill someone" type revelations, but very simple, key doctrinal points that make it impossible for me to deny God's existence or the truth of the LDS church.

I inherited my grandmother's scriptures. She studied from them for about 10 years - marking interesting scriptures, leaving little notes. She wrote in the front cover this quote:

Falling out of the church is like falling out of bed. You weren't really in it far enough.

And that is how I feel today - what ever problems, disagreements, rebellious feelings I may have about church or the members thereof, I can't deny that there is so much Truth to be found in it. So many basic little things that have been twisted or left by the wayside in other Christian denominations - personal prayer and revelation, a prophet, organization, temple ceremonies ... Jesus was a good Jewish boy, one ought not forget ... the Church of Jesus Christ ought to have many close ties there, if you believe God's plan, that God Himself is unchanging and that the gospel has existed forever.

I never, never feel bad or guilty about struggling with my faith. Jesus, he was perfect. But my favorite (after Jesus, I suppose) is good old Peter. Peter is great. Peter makes me think maybe, probably not, but MAYBE ... I have a chance.

Happy Sunday ... Let's never change our clocks again! Happy extra hour of sleep. Now, let's get the kiddos ready for their weekly indoctrination, after which we will be telling them how sometimes people make different choices, choices we don't agree with, and those choices may be wrong, BUT we love the people anyway.

LOVE LOVE LOVE (sing it with me)

LOVE LOVE LOVE.

LOVE LOVE LOVE.

ALL WE NEED IS LOVE ....

(I wish this one was in the hymnbook, if I were an organist, I would write a version combining How Great Thou Art With All You Need is Love and make MoTab sing their heavenly hearts out ... it would be a wonder to behold)





(Sorry - I thought maybe if you played them both at the same time, you'd get the idea, but ... well, try it ... you get the barest of hints of what my vision might be like (until it makes you crazy) )